Friday 30th Sept 2011 - Day 17!!!!

The Diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears
Lunch - Ham salad
Snack - Peach
Dinner - Chicken kebab
Snack - Yogurt

Well its day 17, who would have thought I would get this far!!!  Date with the dietitian on Tuesday and I am hoping this time I don't get told off - why should I anyway I have lost a stone already in two weeks - don't think I could do better than that!!!!  It definitely is mind over matter with this diet, as long as I stick to a routine with times I am ok, if I let myself get hungry thats when I start thinking of other things like chocolate!!!  Lesson learnt there!!!  But one bar of chocolate in 17 days is fab considering how much I did eat every night!!!

Was going to meet Steve for lunch, but he has been called away, so another long boring day - but I know its not his fault, so I am not blaming him, was just looking forward to seeing him!!!  Been having nightmares again and they unsettle me, they seem so real!!!! Off to do some chores, be back later!!! Had a good talk with my mum tonight about my diet, thing is I am a little scared of being obsessive about it, I am afraid I sometimes do this about things and it then rules my life! So I have decided that I am allowed a sin every now and again and that I shouldn't feel bad about it. So tonight I had my sin, Steve automatically ordered it with mayonnaise which shocked me, but Steve had my pitta. I had a few chips but not many. Anyway it really wasn't worth having I felt no more satisfied than when having my normal diet salad! So from now on if we are out I will eat what I want but when at home stick exactly to my diet. This is not set in stone but worth trying! Just wish my mood would lift, it is so hard to try and get through everyday feeling like this. Do I say today has been a success? I still think so, I haven't binged on chocolate, so yes its still a success! Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday 29th September 2011 - Need a little luck!!!

The diet thing -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears
Lunch - Ham salad
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Peach and jelly

Morning everyone!!!  Well as you know from my previous blogs I applied for a samll job, unfortunately they never got back to me :( I did ask to be let know either way but obviously it was easier for them not to tell me!!!  so I am wishing for a little bit of luck, I just need a little job, I am not searching for something that is going to be impossible for me to do healthwise!  Going to have another look at the job centre and see if anything else available.  Report back later!!!

What a day! Diet going fine, life in general is crap! Not sure what direction to go in at the moment. I only need the simple things in life, but everything seems so complicated. Yep,  I feel very lonely at the moment and alone in my thoughts, although it would be nice to share, I really can't.


What a hard day!!!  Diet a success though, so yay!!!

Wednesday 28th Sept 2011

First the diet -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - missed
Lunch - chicken salad (pub lunch)
Snack - 2 small pears
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack -

Oh dear, I had another interupted nights sleep, but this time keep going to the loo, but I no longer wake up for chocolate which is brilliant.  Had an early morning, went with T to the tattoo shop and watched her have one done!!!  I must find a cat that I really like so I can have mine done too, I do need to add to the collection I have (tattooos not cats lol) !!!  We then had a stroll around Ripley and then went to the pub for lunch.  I had a chicken caesar salad without the caesar sauce - how hardcore am I lol!!!!  I did have a panic when I got home thinking, have I blown my diet because I hadn't made it and weighed the meat - what I didn't seem to realise is that I had the option of anything on the menu and I still stuck to the diet - yay!!!!

Unfortunately the panic and the whole mental issue just took its toll and I was then not very well.  Didn't help that I had backache, but I feel into a deep depression again.  It wasn't helped by the fact everyone went out and left me too - it would be nice if someone checked if I was ok before running out of the house!!!  Trouble is they know what I am going to say, so to avoid missing out on their own entertainment they ignore my needs - does that sound selfish????  Yes probably, but when I am that down I need support!!!!

Anyway, today was a success diet wise, so thats one happy note to leave today on!!!!

Tuesday 27th September 2011 - Praying for a better day!!!

As usual the diet first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham Salad
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner -
Snack -

Morning all, I am now really praying for a better day.  I have been really really low now for quite a few days.  Everything has lost its meaning at the moment and everything seems pointless, but I am forcing myself to stick to the diet, saying that I don't feel the need to do anything else!!!!  I am not thinking about nice food or cheating because it all seems pointless.  I have nothing to look forward to and my life just seems really hard.  I will come back later and hopefully I will have something interesting tio write about.  Bye for now!!!

Well I am back, still feeling really crap, but hey ho nothing I can do about it!!!  Just been thinking about the job interview I went for last week, still not heard anything, so I am assuming that I haven't got it.  Its a real shame because I would have really liked it and it would, I am sure given me some confidence back.  I am sick of feeling like a loser.  I really thought 18 years ago when I got ill, it wouldn't last long and then after what I had experienced, I would make the most of life and enjoy myself - oh boy how wrong was I!!!!  I know this is the first step to changing my life, but as much as I hope it will, I know weight loss is not the miracle I am looking for - saying this I am not giving up on the diet!!!  Oh no it has taken me too long to get into this mindset and I am not going to throw it away!!!  Well it looks like I will be continuing with the job hunting, but how often do 12 hour a week jobs come along????

Its my day to be weighed again, so fingers crossed that it is still working and keeping it at a 1lb loss per day.  I must admit the diet has played havoc with my bowels, but I suppose with such a radical change in diet it is to be expected.  One more week to go before my next dietitian appointment, I think she is going to be shocked - lets hope so, as I have worked hard on this!!!!!!!!!!!

On a really cheery note, Steve has booked a week off, the second week in October.  I have today received my date for my scan (at last) and as I have quite a few hospital appointments that week including Physio, Psychiatrist, plus Job Centre and now scan, it is less stressful when I already know someone is coming with me and I don't have to make arrangements with lots of people!!!

Will report later on my weight!!!!  Bye for now!!!

As promised my weight loss up to date is 13.5lbs - yay nearly one stone!!!

Monday 26th Sept 2011 - Another bad depression day!!!

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with philly
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack -

Really struggling today moodwise, finding it very difficult to do the blog at the moment. Minnie is sitting on the computer desk so playing with her is soothing.  Luckily I am not feeling like having anything naughty up to yet, think yesterday was because I felt it would make a diffrence in my mood and at least it proved it didn't.  I spend far too much time beating myself up about things, wish I could change that, but I doubt I will - ever!!!

Well today has not got any better mood wise :((((  One thing to look forward to is Steve booking a week off in October.  Its going to be a short blog today, as I am finding everything a little too much to handle.  Another successful day!!!

Sunday 25th Sept 2011 - Wow I feel rough!!!!

Diet as ususal -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears and a yoghurt
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with philly
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Chicken salad
Snack - Nectarine and 2 jellies

Well what an eventful night!!! A very funny girl needing to be let in drunk, falling up the stairs after she switched all the lights off and then the middle one needing taxi money from the hospital which the police had dumped him after being set on by some idiot men!!! Wow our life if never dull!!! So me and the hubby had a lie in this morning and now my diet is all to pot!!!!  Feeling so rough its untrue.  My mind is wandering to horrible thoughts and getting through today is going to be tough.  Good job got Steve off today!!!  Already dreading him back at work tomorrow.

Right, well I did promise to be honest in this blog, so I have a confession.  I was really not very well yesterday and nothing could lift my mood, I had extra chicken on my salad and later on I had a bar of Frys chocolate orange cream.  I just felt like if I was a bit naughty it would help my mood, and to be honest it didn't.  At first I was disappointed in myself, then I reasoned that I had lost 11lbs in 11 days isn't that enough reason to have one treat?????  Wish it had made a difference, but honestly it didn't!!!

I still seee this as a successfull day!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 24th September 2011 I would love to cheat......!!! + News Flash!!!

First things first - the diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Can't remember!!!
Lunch - Beef salad
Snack - Missed was asleep
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Nectarine, yogurt and jelly (was hungry lol!!!)

Morning, now in the title I say I would like to cheat - this is not entirely true!!!  The thing is when Steve is off we normally go to the pub for dinner or tea and today I am already missing that, and lets face it who wants to go out for salad when you could have chicken new yorker or something mexican lol!!!  We have decided to keep ourselves busy today so I don't get too down hearted about it.  We now have time to decorate the dining room before it changes into another sitting room as my settees, apparently, were delivered to the store on Thursday but didn't pass quality control and have been sent back, although this pees me off, it does give us more time to sort things out - so I am going to see it as a blessing!!!

I must add that the bananas I bought from Asda are horrible, not taste, so got to go to Tesco as theirs are really sweet and tasty - who would have thought I would have turned into a banana buff eh!!! lol  Well off to Tesco and Wilko, anyone need anything????????

News Flash!!! Well, just a quick report, when we went to Tesco, I couldn't resist weighing myself again!!!!  I have now lost 11lbs in 11 days, now even I think that is impressive.  I no longer want to go to the pub for dinner, I am quite happy to stick to what I am doing and keep this weight coming off!!! Now going to make my lunch. Whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well not long after this was written, I went really down hill.  My mood really dipped and I felt so ill, I wanted to curl up in a ball.  I decided to go to bed and I didn't get up till teatime, so this meant I missed my snack - not good but I was not well at all.  Didn't feel any better later on but managed to have tea and snack.  So really the day was a success again, but felt really ill!!!

Friday 23rd September 2011 - Another day ...................

The diet first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - two small pears
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with phillly and yogurt
Snack - Nectarine and jelly
Dinner - Beef salad - let, cuc, tom, beetroot, pickled onions, celery, radish, 2 crispbreads with a very thin layer of philly to take dryness off (bit naughty but oh well - still very little)
Snack - 2 small pears and jelly

Right, well its a bit late in the day today for me to be starting my blog, but had a pretty busy day.  Had physiotherapy this morning in Nottingham and my beautiful Amy came with me.  We were really lucky and managed to park close to the entrance to physio, also a dread of mine, because of both my pain and agoraphobia!!!  Physio is getting harder and harder, but I am seeing benefits from both this and my weight loss.  It will not control the pain, but being fitter is my aim at the moment.  The initial exercises were quite soothing, but the new ones are about getting my heart rate up.  Got to start walking around the back garden, which is going to be a struggle as I don't really venture out there much, but I will push myself to do it. Then I had a chat on the phone with T, who, bless her can't believe how good I am being - hope you enjoy your Indian tonight mate (grrrrr lol)!!!

Anyway, after physio we nipped into town and then came home and my lovely sister-in-law Claire came to see me.  We always manage to have a good chat, then Amy did me a pedicure which I desparately needed, don't often get time to spend with Amy as she has her own business, but when we do get together it is lovely.  should have gone for my flu jab, but I was not feeling too good after physio so will have to put it in the diary for a later date!!!

The diet is still going well, I did add a very thin layer of philadelphia on my crispbread with my dinner, but to be honest I don't really see it as cheating cause my calorie intake is so low anyway.  But crispbread must be the most driest, tasteless food on this planet (other than rice cakes eek!!!) and needs a little something to help it down!!!  See,  I bet you can tell I feel I guilty about this and am trying to justify altering the diet every so slightly!!!  But I told you in the beginning it is only me that it affects if I do the diet wrong!!!  I am dying to weigh myself again, but I have to stay strong, four more days to go.  I am able to fit in some clothes that I bought in the last winter sale, which would only have been earlier this year.  I am so happy that I can get into more pairs of trousers and that certain ones keep falling down - yay!!! (not yay when stood in Tesco car park though - yes its happened before!!!!).

Well its now half past seven and time for me to go now and spend sometime with my lovely family.  Thanks again to all that are following my blog and progress, your support is so much appreciated.  So I will sign off with day 10 being a complete success!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday 22nd September 2011 - Job interview today

First things first, the diet diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with philly and 2 plums
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Ham salad, lett, toms, cuc, spring onions, 2 crispbreads
Snack -

Well, I has a really good nights sleep, woke up a few times, but seemed to get back off quickly.  Now some of my nightmares are working their way back into my dreams.  I was only commenting over the past couple of weeks I have not had these dreams, maybe all the changes going off my head is getting mashed at night again, maybe time to increase my night meds like I have the past few nights.

I have an interview this afternoon, just an informal interview and anyone who is in which a chance has to do two weeks trial, must admit this seems a bit extreme for a 12 hour a week job, but hey ho I am prepared to jump through hoops if that gets me the job!!!

Need to talk about my mood at bit, see if sharing makes it a little less daunting.  I am up and down like a yoyo, one minute I am pleased about what I am doing, then then next so down I can't see the point.  Having so much support is what is keeping me going, my Mum and Steve are my backbone at the moment, I would crumble without them - they praise me for the littlest thing, and sometimes this is what I need, just that little pat on the head to confirm that I am not a complete loser. I know people have opinions about me, think that I do nothing at all and that I am lazy - this is not true, but why should I justify myself to these people - if they want to spend their time critiquing me then let them, I am obviously more interesting than I thought!!!

Anyway, that is todays rant over hopefully!!!  See you later xxx

Well I went to the interview, and the bloke was really nice.  Would really like the job, but there are a lot of people being interviewed by the sounds of it. I know it would do my confidence loads of good, but I won't be down hearted if I don't get it.  Got to wait til next week, so need to put it out of my head til I hear something, or I will drive myself insane (even more if that is possible lol).  Well had to nip to Asda tonight when Steve got home to stock up on the diet food.  First time I have really been out since starting the diet and I really felt light headed and hungry, this is the first time this has happened.  Steve and I spoke about it and agreed that I do not have a high calorie intake on this diet and perhaps it is not that suitable if I plan to move around alot!!!  So going to keep to it til next Tuesday when I get weighed again, and then possible add a few more calories if I know I am going to go out - I know I don't do this often, so I can plan ahead for this.  My energy levels are still quite high and am ok doing things around the house, so know I am safe enough to keep on with this for a bit longer.  I go back to the hospital on the 4th October, so will see what they advise then.  I don't think this is a long term diet, but I needed something to kick me into gear and this certainly has - think the Dietitian will be pleased when I go.

Anyway, its getting late and there must be something that I can watch on telly til Steve and James get back from the gym.  Another successful day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday 21st Sept 2011 - 7lb lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the diet diary first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with light philadelphia cheese spread, two plums
Snack -Nectarine and a jelly
Dinner - Ham Salad, lettuce, tom, cuc, beetroot, sweetcorn, 2 crispbreads
Snack -Yogurt

Well, I am pleased to say that I had a really good nights sleep!!!  It was tough going to bed, as I went really down and badly needed (or so I thought) something naughty to eat, but I took a glass of sugar free squash to bed with me and everything was fine.  I did have the panics last night too, so that didn't help so I took my meds early and then some later on which helped loads.  This morning Steve had to wake me for my breakfast bless him.

Well I am still waiting for an appointment at Burton Hospital for another scan of my spine, but in a different place to last time.  I know these things take time, but it is frustrating that I haven't heard anything back from them.  Back at Physio on Friday so will have to ask then, as they are the ones who have referred me this time.  The job that I rang about yesterday never got back to me, what do you do?  Do you ring them again and maybe look a pest, or leave it and think that maybe it wasn't meant to be?  I don't want to think I leave everything to fate, I do believe I have the option to change things if I really want!!!

I am not sure if it this is down to the diet or just my mood, but I am starting to lose my calmness again.  Over the past few months, I have made a conscious effort to be calm instead of getting into a tizz, it has worked, I shout alot less and swear alot less and gererally tried to be nice!!!  This is wearing thin at the mo and sometimes I feel like I did not so long ago where I could shout my lungs out and have a proper temper tantrum - I know it would make me feel better, but not those around me!!!  I have some relaxation techniques from my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) based on Buddist techniques, so I think now is the time to give them a try before I upset someone.

I know I should be really chuffed with myself for losing 7lbs, but I am struggling to - this is what I hate most about being a depressive, you never get a fair look at something, its always never enough!!  I try and kid myself that things will be great when I have slimmed down, but were they great when I was slim before - NO, but only because I was depressed!!!  Its a no win situation.  I remember my doctor warning me about this, and I just thought, well no maybe not but it will be one less thing for me to worry about.  My Psychiartist always tells me how hard I am on myself and that I will never see anything I do to be good enough. I push myself too hard mentally trying to be perfect - I am a horrible person trying to make things right, but perhaps I should just give up and realise I can't change who I am, people have a good reason to not like me, I am bad!!!

Mmm as you may have gathered not a particularly good day for my depression, but diet stuck to and another successful day!!! OOh and the job I rang about rang me about, I have an informal interview tomorrow at 3pm, fingers crossed eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday 20th Spet 2011 - Day 7 yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morning everyone, again the diet diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, beetroot
Snack - Yogurt

Had a really decent nights sleep, no Bubbles to keep me awake lol!!!  Woke a few times and I dreaded trying to nod off again, but it must have happened.  Decided to watch Tangled in bed and then that sleepy feeling came over me and I succumbed and had a little nod!!!  Anyway, up today and feeling full of energy, even if the pains keep saying noooooo!!!  Its quite noisy here today, James not at college or work and  Ross and his mate listening to what they call music!!!  What a din lol!!!

Still looking for that illusive job, found one yesterday for 12 hours, perfect.  But I left a message and they have not got back to me :((  this is sad cause it would have been perfect!!  Really excited that my new settees and chair will be here by the end of the week, Steve has done an absolute fantastic job of painting the living room, just got to replace the blinds which have been ruined by the pussies coming in and out of the window and get some lovely new pictures, ooh yes and a coffee table, but not some ordinary coffee table this has got to be something special, got a picture in my mind, but not found it in reality yet!!!!

I suppose I ought to talk about the diet now that I am on day seven.  I don't think I have stressed enough how difficult it has been, but from somewhere I seem to have collected this willpower which is at the moment iron clad.  I think the fact that I have more energy helps.  I can't say that I don't think about chocolate, because I do, but I just try and remember what my life was like only a few days ago when I didn't dare go to bed without a shed load of chocolate, the panic I felt and the relief when I knew I had so much!  I did say to Steve last night before bed, its strange not saying 'got my chocolate babe, see you up there!!!'. I am not even missing the take-a-ways, or nipping to the pub - the pros far out weigh the cons at the moment.  Luckily, I think for me, chocolate was never an issue in the day, so its not posing a problem for me now.

I would just like to reiterate what I have said before - everything on the diet plan is what I eat, nothing more and nothing less.  If I lied on this blog, the only person it would affect is me - so I can promise you this is a genuine account of what I am eating and what is happening in my life.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself and I will report back if there has been any weight loss, fingers crossed eh!!!

NEWS ALERT!!!!! I have been to Tesco and weighed myself, now these scales are as close to the hospital that I have found, so here goes - I have lost 7lbs  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday 19th Sept 2011 - What does today hold????

As before I will start with my food diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Beef salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, drizzle of Caesar dressing.
Snack - 2 plums, one Harley's sugar free jelly
Dinner - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, 2 crispbreads, drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Yogurt

Had another disturbed nights sleep but this time it was down to Bubbles, who decided to lie on me all night and if I tried to move her she growled which is not exactly like her, she does normally have a grumble but something was obviously bothering her, so I let her stay (I know those who are not cat lovers won't understand lol)!!!  Anyway my Stevie bought me my banana to bed, but this morning I was no how, still feel off it, but I can say that it isn't down to my diet, this is my depression - suffered too many years to not to know. I know I am most of the time down and low but this morning was even worse, those horrible nasty feelings I get were creeping in.  Anyway I eventually managed to get up and try and face the world, had my shower and had my snack.  I am missing Steve too, it is hard when I have had company for a couple of days and then go back to being on my own - this is why I feel I need a little job, not too many hours, just to keep me focused on something else - blimey if I can stick to this diet I can do a little job lol!!!!

Now I have to do the thing I hate most in the world, dry my hair!!!  I have promised myself that when I get to my target weight that I can have it all cut off and then I will be back to my natural blonde colour and feel human again - ha not sure about the human again!!!  Well its time to go and do it, will be back later. Bye for now!!!!!!!

Hi I'm back again, its nearly time for tea!!!  Felt better as the afternoon gone on, still not right, but coping which is the main thing.  Kids all been about today, so been quite a noisy household with some of Ross' friends here too!!!  Now Steve home so its time again for food yum yum.  I can't believe that I am not  missing my normal bad diet.  Just been talking to Amy about how my energy levels have changed since cutting out the sugar and bad fats,  she is a skinny minx and a sugar addict too, so does not believe me when I say it has changed the way I feel completely and could possibly help her with her tiredness.  Seven days ago, my life was about how much sleep I could fit in to 24 hours!!!  I know I had a lie in this morning but that was my depression taking over not loss of energy.  I don't think anyone will believe it easily if they haven't been in the position of being so heavy and lethargic, then suddenly having more energy than I know what to do with.

You may have noticed that I haven't posted my weight!!!  I think it is a lady's perogative to keep somethings to themselves (but I will publish amount of weight loss).  Yes I am ashamed I have let myself get so heavy, but I have asked for years and years for help and always had the same answer, 'cut down on what you are eating'!!!  Yes this may be simple to some people but to others it is an absolute nightmare, especially if you have other things wrong with you or going off in your life!!!  It had come to a point where I was barely functioning, both mentally and physically.  Not that I am saying that this is solved already after six days, I am optimistic but not delusional lol!!!  Yes I still suffer from depression and yes, I still have pains in all of my body, but I now have an extra medicine and its called energy.  This helps me move my bulk around and start trying to do things that only a week ago were impossible.  I know there will be some doubters out there, and I don't blame you - I have a terrible track record of sticking to something long term, but that is not because I am lazy, its because I am ill - these two things sometimes get muddled up and people think the worse of me.  The only thing I can say to these people is that I wish you could for one day live in my shoes and then tell me how they felt!!!  Living with depression and everything that comes with that, the panic attacks, the phobic anxiety, the agoraphobia and to top it off the self harm is hard, it is not an easy way of life and lets face it if I was faking any of this I am a bloody good actress cause I have kept it up for over 18 years.  My family have suffered in a big way because of my illness, my mum, dad, husband and kids have all lived a life of hell because of me and my illnesses, only my true friends have hung around, they might not always understand me, but they stick by me and all help in their own ways.  I thank each and everyone of you for that XXX

Unfortunately there have been people who have come into my life over the past few years, and have not liked me enough to understand me, they have been quick to make judgements and decided that I am not worthy of their time or effort.  This is a shame, because I can be good friend and a loyal one, I would always have been there if just for a shoulder to cry on!  I must admit I am not good at being told what to do, a trait I think I get from my Dad lol.  Out of all this Steve has suffered the most and I find it hard to sit back and watch this happen and not say something significant to sort it all out, I know I was not the perfect choice for a wife, but Steve loves me and I love him.  We have got through some really tough times together and if those didn't break us, these feuds won't either.


Sorry peeps if that was getting a little deep, maybe I just needed to let off some steam today and here seems the perfect location. Anyway its nearly the end of day six and again I can say it is a complete success!!!

Sunday 18th Sept 2011 - Diet update and a little extra!!!

Right, first of all I will list my food up to now, which is lunchtime.

Breakfast - Yogurt
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 cracker breads with light philidelphia (Black Cracked Pepper and Spring Onion)
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Beef salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot and radish, drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Nectarine

Ok, so that is it so far today food wise.  Just had a nip to Tesco with my mum, as Steve still painting, to fetch a few essentials like more no sugar squash, salad crisp sweetcorn and loo rolls, but we won't go into that one lol!!! So, last night was interesting, no sugar cravings at all, the only thing that disturbed my sleep last night was Ross ringing me to let him as he had forgot his key for a change!!!  Normally being awake would then lead to lots of chocolate, but I have none and I have no intention of starting eating it again.  So my night was quite disturbed, but its getting easier.  I am getting headaches though, but a couple of paracetamol sorts it out quickly.

I am now getting up in the morning, which is another miracle.  I have a lot more energy and am finding things to do which normally I would leave for poor old Steve, for example the dishes - the boys do not like doing their own dishes and love to eat but hate to clean up after themselves, so now these little things are irritating me, but instead of moaning and leaving it to Steve, I am doing it - yay!!!  We are a bit upside down at the moment with Steve decorating the living room and generally having to move things about to change the dining room into another living space for the kids and their mates to hang out - saves them spilling beer on my nice new settee which should be with us by the end of the week!! Anyway, its time I went and did something other than sit on the computer.  Bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I managed to be a bit of domestic goddess including doing a bit of ironing until the pain in my body and limbs got to much (down to my intercostal neuralgia) but a bit was better than my normal nothing.  Managed to not have a nod in the afternoon either - bonus!!  Day five - a success!!!!

My Diet Diary Wed - Sat 14 - 17 Sept 2011

As I have started this blog four days in, I am going to list what I have eaten each day, then from now on I will post everyday what I have eaten.  These diaries will be truthful, as cheating will only harm me and no one else, so I what I write down is what I actually have.  I hope you don't find it too boring, but I need to keep a check on it too, I carry around a book with me to log everything that I eat.  I have also posted the diet that I am following previously.

Wednesday 14th Sept -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham salad - 100g lean ham (not formed or reformed) lettuce, tomato, celery, onion.
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Turkey salad - 100g turkey (again off the bone) salad as above
Snack - Yogurt (Fat Free Shape Delights, do have fruit in but if you swallow not chew its edible)

Thursday 15 Sept 2011
5.45 am - Yogurt
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Turkey and ham salad, lettuce, tomato, onion, celery, small drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Ham salad - as above
Snack - Nectarine and two sugar free Harley's jellies

Friday 16th Sept 2011
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot, drizzle of low fat Caesar dressing
Snack - Nectarine
Dinner - Hot chicken salad with fajita spice, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, celery
Snack - Watermelon and yogurt

Saturday 17th Sept 2011
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Turkey salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radishes, drizzle of low fat french dressing
Snack - 200g strawberries
Dinner - Turkey salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, 1 cracker bread (41 cals), drizzle of Caesar dressing
Snack - Nectarine (for a change lol) and a fat free yogurt

I have forgot to add drinks, but I have many glasses of no sugar squash throughout the day.

The Diet Plan

This is a calorie controlled diet which I am using from the hospital which states it is useful for a limited time - I have been given this by a dietitian and strongly suggest you consult a doctor if thinking of using this diet as I know this is ok for me, but I can't guarantee it is safe for anyone else.  I am showing this diet in detail, so you can see the variety I can have even though all the 'goodies' have been taken away.

Have three meals a day and use the 'extra' fruit and yogurts as desserts or snacks
Try to vary the foods as much as possible to help make sure you are getting a good range of nutrients.  It may be a good idea to start having a multivitamin and iron supplement   
Do not guess weights, always use scales
No sugar, cooking oils, margarine, butter, low fat spread, mayonnaise or sauces are allowed.
Water, tea, coffee and low calorie squash are allowed freely (use milk from allowance)
A small amount of the following can be added to food if needed: salt, lemon juice, vinegar, balsamic vinegar, garlic, herbs, pepper, artificial sweeteners, low calorie salad dressing (not low mayonnaise or salad cream)
Sugar free jelly and sugar free chewing gum are allowed freely
Include at least 2 litres of fluids a day (4-5 pints)

Breakfast 30g non sugar-coated and nut-free cereal (eg porridge oats, ready brek, branflakes, rice krispies, special K, cornflakes, shreddies, sultana bran)
OR  1 1/2 weetabix or shredded wheat
OR  1 portion of fruit
OR  1 diet/virtually fat free yogurt or fromage frais
OR  1 small slice of bread or roll

Lunch and Dinner
 1 small slice of bread or small roll
OR  2 crispbreads
OR 100g potato (uncooked weight) - jacked, boiled or mashed with milk from allowance
OR 30g (uncooked weight) of rice, couscous, pasta or noodles

With unlimited amount of vegetables or salad

With Choose ONE of the following - all are cooked weights

150g steamed or poached fish.  No batter or breadcrumb coatings
OR 100g lean meat, trim off all fat before cooking
OR  1 large egg eg poached, boiled or scrambled with milk from allowance
OR  150g Quorn or Tofu
OR  40g cheese eg cheddar, brie, stilton etc
OR  60g low fat cheese eg Philidelphia light, Laughing Cow Light
OR  100g chicken or turkey
OR  150g tinned tuna (not in oil)
OR  100g tinned salmon, sardines, pilchards (not in oil)
OR  half a can Healthy Eating baked beans

Each day also have:
260 ml (half pint) of skimmed or semi skimmed milk
3 portions of fruit (one of which could be swapped for a small 150ml glass of fruit juice
1 diet/virtually fat free yogurt or fromage frais

A portion of fruit is:
1 large fruit eg banana, apple, pear, orange, grapefruit
OR
2 small fruits eg kiwi, plum, satsuma
OR
200g strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, rhubarb or gooseberries
OR
10 grapes or cherries
OR
100g tinned fruit in juice

As I mentioned at the beginning, this diet has been given to me by a dietitian and I would recommend, strongly that if you have to lose alot of weight you check with your doctor first what diet is appropriate for you

14th September 2011 the start of my new life.....

Ok, well I have started this blog four days into my diet, so bear with me and I will let you know exactly what I have been up to for these days that will be missing.

It all started when I visited the hospital to see my dietitian J on Tuesday 13th September 2011.  I had put on even more weight and I felt dreadful.  At this point I more or less demanded that she help me by giving me a structured diet to follow, perhaps thinking back I should have done this in the first place, she isn't a mind reader so had no idea what I really needed to give me a kick start.  J then happily fetched me a copy of a diet, that I am assured, if stuck to, will work!!!  I was so pleased with this result and happily made an appointment for three weeks time to show J that I could do it!!! Changing my sleeping habits is going to be difficult too as I like to sleep most of the day, as I find it lonely being home on my own all day, although the cats do occupy me when they like lol!!!

Now I have to confess that the same evening I had made arrangements to go out for tea with T, and to be honest I wanted to have a lovely blow out before I had to resign myself to a life of misery (or so I thought anyway, I am one to be dramatic!!!).  So T and I went for an Indian and I had a wonderful chicken tikka masala that went down a treat.  So anyway, because I had had the Indian I decided that that night was going to be the first of not having any chocolate!  It was ok, woke a few times, but think the Indian had filled me so much I could get back to sleep - success, my first night of no chocolate. (Ohh for anybody that doesn't know me reading this, I never eat chocolate in the day, it is a night time thing for me).

So we start on day one of my diet (Wednesday), which was quite uneventful, I was amazed that because I knew what I was going to eat it was alot easier to get my head round.  Now part of my illness is not really looking after myself and so eating in the day before this diet was not really an option for me and I would wait for Steve to get home to decide what I was going to eat and then let him prepare it - like I said, saint!!!! I would like to say that day one was SUCCESSFUL!!!

Now I wish I could say the same for the night - boy was it hard.  So I am usually up four or five times in the night to eat chocolate - copious amounts, sometimes I would nod off and I would wake up when I dropped the chocolate and then I would carry on, I would often wake up with melted chocolate all over my body!! So even though I have meds to help me relax at night, this was not enough to help the withdrawal, but I stayed with it and just took more meds - don't worry though not enough to do any damage.

Day two (Thursday) up early and again I took it in my stride and ate everything that I was supposed to ( I will put a copy of the diet sheet on here for reference) and thought I had done pretty well again, did have to go to bed early though because I was feeling very low and agitated.  This night was worse than the night before, I thought I was dying, or is that hoping? I was so depressed and agitated it was frightening, again my meds helped out here.

Day three (Friday), up early again - wow this is beginning to become a habit!!! Well the morning was ok and still sticking with the diet! Then after lunchtime I took a turn and was feeling really out of it and shaky, I knew I had to go to sleep.  I went back to bed for a couple of  hours and woke up in time for tea!!!  The evening was a little tough and kept talking about chocolate to Steve, but we kept saying how glad I will be when I see the weight coming off.  Again an early night as not feeling too good, but the night was better than the last, I woke a couple of times, but managed to get back to sleep without the aid of anymore meds.

Day four (Saturday), woke up early again.  Still sticking to the diet.  Having a nice day with Steve, he is painting the living room whilst I am doing this blog, seems fair to me lol!!  Today seems easier than the rest, but I must not rest on my laurals!!!  I have successfully managed another day in paradise lol!!!  Yes its still hard, but I feel I can now put day four to rest.  Fingers crossed for a good nights sleep!!