As before I will start with my food diary -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Beef salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, drizzle of Caesar dressing.
Snack - 2 plums, one Harley's sugar free jelly
Dinner - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, 2 crispbreads, drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Yogurt
Had another disturbed nights sleep but this time it was down to Bubbles, who decided to lie on me all night and if I tried to move her she growled which is not exactly like her, she does normally have a grumble but something was obviously bothering her, so I let her stay (I know those who are not cat lovers won't understand lol)!!! Anyway my Stevie bought me my banana to bed, but this morning I was no how, still feel off it, but I can say that it isn't down to my diet, this is my depression - suffered too many years to not to know. I know I am most of the time down and low but this morning was even worse, those horrible nasty feelings I get were creeping in. Anyway I eventually managed to get up and try and face the world, had my shower and had my snack. I am missing Steve too, it is hard when I have had company for a couple of days and then go back to being on my own - this is why I feel I need a little job, not too many hours, just to keep me focused on something else - blimey if I can stick to this diet I can do a little job lol!!!!
Now I have to do the thing I hate most in the world, dry my hair!!! I have promised myself that when I get to my target weight that I can have it all cut off and then I will be back to my natural blonde colour and feel human again - ha not sure about the human again!!! Well its time to go and do it, will be back later. Bye for now!!!!!!!
Hi I'm back again, its nearly time for tea!!! Felt better as the afternoon gone on, still not right, but coping which is the main thing. Kids all been about today, so been quite a noisy household with some of Ross' friends here too!!! Now Steve home so its time again for food yum yum. I can't believe that I am not missing my normal bad diet. Just been talking to Amy about how my energy levels have changed since cutting out the sugar and bad fats, she is a skinny minx and a sugar addict too, so does not believe me when I say it has changed the way I feel completely and could possibly help her with her tiredness. Seven days ago, my life was about how much sleep I could fit in to 24 hours!!! I know I had a lie in this morning but that was my depression taking over not loss of energy. I don't think anyone will believe it easily if they haven't been in the position of being so heavy and lethargic, then suddenly having more energy than I know what to do with.
You may have noticed that I haven't posted my weight!!! I think it is a lady's perogative to keep somethings to themselves (but I will publish amount of weight loss). Yes I am ashamed I have let myself get so heavy, but I have asked for years and years for help and always had the same answer, 'cut down on what you are eating'!!! Yes this may be simple to some people but to others it is an absolute nightmare, especially if you have other things wrong with you or going off in your life!!! It had come to a point where I was barely functioning, both mentally and physically. Not that I am saying that this is solved already after six days, I am optimistic but not delusional lol!!! Yes I still suffer from depression and yes, I still have pains in all of my body, but I now have an extra medicine and its called energy. This helps me move my bulk around and start trying to do things that only a week ago were impossible. I know there will be some doubters out there, and I don't blame you - I have a terrible track record of sticking to something long term, but that is not because I am lazy, its because I am ill - these two things sometimes get muddled up and people think the worse of me. The only thing I can say to these people is that I wish you could for one day live in my shoes and then tell me how they felt!!! Living with depression and everything that comes with that, the panic attacks, the phobic anxiety, the agoraphobia and to top it off the self harm is hard, it is not an easy way of life and lets face it if I was faking any of this I am a bloody good actress cause I have kept it up for over 18 years. My family have suffered in a big way because of my illness, my mum, dad, husband and kids have all lived a life of hell because of me and my illnesses, only my true friends have hung around, they might not always understand me, but they stick by me and all help in their own ways. I thank each and everyone of you for that XXX
Unfortunately there have been people who have come into my life over the past few years, and have not liked me enough to understand me, they have been quick to make judgements and decided that I am not worthy of their time or effort. This is a shame, because I can be good friend and a loyal one, I would always have been there if just for a shoulder to cry on! I must admit I am not good at being told what to do, a trait I think I get from my Dad lol. Out of all this Steve has suffered the most and I find it hard to sit back and watch this happen and not say something significant to sort it all out, I know I was not the perfect choice for a wife, but Steve loves me and I love him. We have got through some really tough times together and if those didn't break us, these feuds won't either.
Sorry peeps if that was getting a little deep, maybe I just needed to let off some steam today and here seems the perfect location. Anyway its nearly the end of day six and again I can say it is a complete success!!!
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