Wednesday 21st Sept 2011 - 7lb lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the diet diary first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with light philadelphia cheese spread, two plums
Snack -Nectarine and a jelly
Dinner - Ham Salad, lettuce, tom, cuc, beetroot, sweetcorn, 2 crispbreads
Snack -Yogurt

Well, I am pleased to say that I had a really good nights sleep!!!  It was tough going to bed, as I went really down and badly needed (or so I thought) something naughty to eat, but I took a glass of sugar free squash to bed with me and everything was fine.  I did have the panics last night too, so that didn't help so I took my meds early and then some later on which helped loads.  This morning Steve had to wake me for my breakfast bless him.

Well I am still waiting for an appointment at Burton Hospital for another scan of my spine, but in a different place to last time.  I know these things take time, but it is frustrating that I haven't heard anything back from them.  Back at Physio on Friday so will have to ask then, as they are the ones who have referred me this time.  The job that I rang about yesterday never got back to me, what do you do?  Do you ring them again and maybe look a pest, or leave it and think that maybe it wasn't meant to be?  I don't want to think I leave everything to fate, I do believe I have the option to change things if I really want!!!

I am not sure if it this is down to the diet or just my mood, but I am starting to lose my calmness again.  Over the past few months, I have made a conscious effort to be calm instead of getting into a tizz, it has worked, I shout alot less and swear alot less and gererally tried to be nice!!!  This is wearing thin at the mo and sometimes I feel like I did not so long ago where I could shout my lungs out and have a proper temper tantrum - I know it would make me feel better, but not those around me!!!  I have some relaxation techniques from my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) based on Buddist techniques, so I think now is the time to give them a try before I upset someone.

I know I should be really chuffed with myself for losing 7lbs, but I am struggling to - this is what I hate most about being a depressive, you never get a fair look at something, its always never enough!!  I try and kid myself that things will be great when I have slimmed down, but were they great when I was slim before - NO, but only because I was depressed!!!  Its a no win situation.  I remember my doctor warning me about this, and I just thought, well no maybe not but it will be one less thing for me to worry about.  My Psychiartist always tells me how hard I am on myself and that I will never see anything I do to be good enough. I push myself too hard mentally trying to be perfect - I am a horrible person trying to make things right, but perhaps I should just give up and realise I can't change who I am, people have a good reason to not like me, I am bad!!!

Mmm as you may have gathered not a particularly good day for my depression, but diet stuck to and another successful day!!! OOh and the job I rang about rang me about, I have an informal interview tomorrow at 3pm, fingers crossed eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!