Saturday 26th November 2011

Hi all, as you probably know from my whingy posts on fb that I have been struggling for the best part of a month with either my mental or physical health or both! I will really try to keep my blog up to date so you don't give up on me and my journey.  Thanks again for all your support, I would not been able to do it without you all.  Much love xxx

Wednesday 16th November 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Toast and yogurt
Snack - Banana
Lunch -

This morning I have had more than normal for breakfast but this is to try and combat the munchies from having morphine. I am still very hungry but I am sure I can now wait for a couple of hours til snack time!

I can't believe how difficult it is trying to eat regularly when I am in so much pain.  Really wish instead of just handing out pain killers that they would treat the problem instead of just masking it! Hey ho we all know what its like and I should be grateful that I get the help I do.

Everyone have a nice day and I'll be back later!  TTFN

I'm back and on morphine so may or may not make sense! Stevie made me a lovely tea of chicken with peppers and onions and some pasta. Mmm he is lovely to me, I am so lucky to have such a good man!

Anyway think this is all I am capable of today so bye for now and see you tomorrow xxx

Monday 14th November 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Pear
Snack -
Lunch -

Well its the start of a new week and I am certain that things are going to go well this week!!!  I want to try and leave all the negativity around me all behind.  Need to get a few things in my head clear, it is obvious that I am carrying around alot of excess baggage and I need to get rid of this because I know it is holding me back.   I am not just talking about my past, cause I do think that I have been able to bury alot of that in the past few months and no longer have nightmares about certain things and people.  I need to deal with the here and now, find out what is not good for me and ditch it.

I know I talk about it alot, but I can't deal with lies, yes I understand sometimes we have to bend the truth to save people feelings, but I am talking about big whopping lies, the ones that hurt people badly and then the worst of it being told lies by someone who can't remember their lies, never mind the truth!!! I must admit life is a mystery to me.

Saturday 12th November 2011

Friday 11th November 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Pear
Snack - Pear
Lunch - Four crackerbreads with chilli cheese spread
Snack - jelly sugar free
Dinner - chicken breast fillet with onions, peppers and fajita spice

Now, had a problem with following the diet today as I had my fruit but when I went to make my salad I found my last pack of sliced beef had been eaten grrr! Could have had tuna or salmon but to be honest don't think I could have stomached fish! So i had some cracker breads with some chilli cheese spread.  Steve then made me for tea chicken breast with onions and peppers, really nice with fajita spice!

So another successful day even though some git pinched my beef!

Thursday 10th November 2011- Lottie's birthday yay!

Right I have managed today to not have any extra morphine so hopefully the diet today will go a bit more smoothly!  Just had a pear and looking forward to my salad at tea time

Well I am pleased to report that even though the diet has not been good I have still managed to lose 2 and a half pounds! This is great news for me because really thought I would have piled weight on because of the lack of routine and the fact that I do have the munchies with the morphine. I am not going to get complacent about it though, I really need to knuckle down and get my ass into gear if I am going to get to my goal of losing 3 stone by the end of December! Thanks to those of you that haven't given up on me <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Wednesday 9th November 2011

The Diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack -
Lunch - Brunch
Dinner - Moussaka

The day started well, I had my banana then the pains started but I wanted to try and go without the morphine today. I managed to sleep a bit more then went meet Steve for lunch. We went to Asda cafe and I had a breakfast brunch, not very diety I hear you say but to be honest the done is limited and I wouldn't have it again!  After I got home the pain got worse, so I tried the hot water bottle for a bit but in the end I had to have the morphine! So the Diet didn't go well and I had moussaka and salad, it was tasty but fattening!

I am hopefully going to try and get weighed tomorrow, I am scared that I will have put all my weight back on eek,  although I shouldn't have it is my biggest fear.  I really hate being ill cause it makes everything so hard! Will fill you in  tomorrow on how the weigh in goes!

Tuesday 8th November 2011

Well another day of morphine so diet gone to pot yet again. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day! Need to lose so much weight and I feel totally robbed at the moment!

Monday 7th November 2011

Well I promised today I would be back on track but unfortunately I have not been well with my Intercostal Neuralgia so been morphined up that I have been in bed all day. Steve was annoyed with me for going for a shower after taking my meds that he made me promise to stay in bed where he knew I was safe! I am not good at walking when dosed up and tend to walk into things so I know why he worries. So diet not possible today, but tomorrow is another day, so fingers crossed everything ok so I can continue by epic journey to fabulousness!

Sunday 6th November 2011

Normal blogging will resume tomorrow, i apologise for the lack of content over the past week or so, but we are back on track in the morning. The weigh ins will continue every week again starting tomorrow. I will be able to tell you if I have put anything on, stayed the same or lost since my last weigh in two weeks ago.

I really would like your continued support, but I really have been mentally not well and it hit a peak on Friday night. I will not let this happen again and will ask for help (professionally) if I continue to go downhill.

Please continue to comment or use the tick boxes just as a tool to let me I'm not alone.

Thank you everyone who has not given up on me. There will be times where my illness will take over, but I will fight back everything.

Sending loads of love and hugs to all my family and friends following my journey xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx

Saturday 5th November 2011

The Diet

Breakfast
S

Thursday 3rd November 2011

The Diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Big piece of Ross's birthday cake :((((((((((((((((
Lunch -

Well I have had to cancel my interview at Royal Derby because I am in too much pain to attend.  There is no way I could do an half hour audio typing test in this state and if I take painkillers then I wouldn't be able to get there at all!!!!!  What a complete waste of space I am!!!!  My mind and body are giving up on me spectacularly!!! I don't blame you if you stop following my blog, who wants to listen to all this drivel coming out of my mouth - or in this case finger tips.  All I want is a little 12 hour a week job, so I have contact with people other than over the internet, so I can act like I am normal for a bit and for people to actually learn to like me - honestly I can be so kind when I am not a self hating loser bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I got into trouble for something I could not control and basically was not aware of - on top of everything else this has broken the last piece of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday 2nd November 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Banana

Snack - Pear

Lunch -

Snack -

Dinner -

Snack -

For those of you that predicted my failure, I feel like I have proved you right.  I am in such a dark place at the moment, I am barely about to function, never mind look after myself.  I apologise to anyone who is following me,  I don't mean to let you down - me I am not bothered about, but I do rely strongly to your support - how selfish am I?????????

Tuesday 1st November 2011 - Ross' birthday

The diet

Monday 31st October 2011 - A new week, a new routine!!!!

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - Chicken breast
Snack - Pear
Dinner -
Snack -

Well the day has started terrible, I am in awful pain, so won't be long before the pain killers out!!!!  Going to keep my routine today, even if it kills me lol!!!  I am so desparate to keep this thing going, after doing so well, I feel like a complete failure!!!!!!!!!!!  There is one person who keeps me going and that is Steve, he is not only my husband, he is my best friend, life coach and my biggest fan!!! We have gone through so much together, this is just another hurdle to test us - I want to look like I did when we first met, don't get me wrong I was young then and I have not aged well, but weight wise I can be that person again.  Why is it Steve just gets more and more gorgeous with age and I look like an old witch lol!!!!!?????!!!!!!

We still need to sort this family thing out too.  We are not going to let them get the upper hand, we know they don't like me and all the blame will be forced on me, but we are not going to let that happen.  If we make friends again, it will be on our terms, not theirs!!!!  Anyway, got to get rid of this pain, Amy is taking me out this afternoon and you know what that means.........................lots of shopping lol, sorry Steve!!!!

Ah well the shopping trip didn't happen, Amy was feeling unwell so I went to meet Steve for his lunch. Got to say I was disappointed but hey ho these things happen. The diet is ok, did have a chicken breast from Morrisons.

Sunday 30th October 2011

The Diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch -
Snack -
Dinner - Chicken salad
Snack

Not having a good time at the moment, both pain and mood wise.  I am going today do some tidying up in the kitchen, the cupboards really need sorting out, so that my job for today!!!

Well managed to get lots of jobs done, but in the process made my back far far worse :(((!  The thing is I was so into what I was doing I forgot to eat - grrr!!!  This is my major problem at the moment - keeping a routine again - I must try harder or I am going to fail and I know some would love that!!!!!

Saturday 29th October 2011 - The Weekend with Stevie, yay!!!!!

The Diet -

Breakfast - Yogurt
Snack -
Lunch - Enchiladas - eek
Snack -
Dinner -
Snack - yogurt

Had a lazy lie in this morning, so I am a bit behind with eating!!!!  Just had a yogurt and will catch up with the snack and I will eventually get me lunch about 3pm!!!!  Well as they say, better late than never!!!!

Well young Sidney is doing brilliantly, but he was limping abit, but as he came through the back door, he must have jumped off the fence, so that was probably a bit painful for him!!!  As for Daisy, she is eating loads better and seems a much happier cat and the biggest bonus is that she no longer smells - bless her, she is such a lovely little cat!!!!

Right, something I have not touched on properly for a while is my mood so here goes!!!  I have been in so much pain over the last couple of weeks it has obviously had an adverse affect on the way I feel.  I have been struggling for so long and feel like life can't get any worse, then something happens and it does.  I have lost all of my positivity and feel like life is just a battle which is too hard to win!!!

Yesterday I went to Manor Pharmacy on Bath Street, in there was a woman asking for help as she was having a panic attack.  Well I have never seen such bad treatment of a person - the pharmacist never left he post behind in the pharmacy and just shouted that the woman needed to go to the doctors, I stood witnessing this and said that could they give her a paper bag to help her control her breathing, I was looked at as though I had three heads, next they were telling her to go to the hospital - now this lady was so distressed!!!  Eventually she was asked to sit down, again the pharmacist still did not make a move to leave her 'station'.  The distressed lady left, I was so incensed that I decided to speak to the pharmacist myself.  So when she bought out my prescription, I asked if I could have a word, she said yes and I asked her if she had ever had a panic attack, and she replied no not personally, so then I told her how disgusted I was with her treatment of the lady, she said it was it was not her responsibility.  I pointed out to her, that it was her duty of care to check anyone who comes into the pharmacy distressed to check on them and make an informed decision, either to sit the lady down and just reassure her, give her a drink or supply a paper bag or ring the emergency services if she thought she could not handle the situation.  I would expect this from any shop that someone was was distressed in, let alone a pharmacy - wouldn't you think this was a safe place to go????  What if she didn't live in the town and she was unable to get to the doctors, and as we know some doctors are no always open.

The point I am trying to make here is that she would not take responsibility for her actions and said it was not her job to do this and in her job she could not leave what she was doing at the drop of a hat to see someone, wtf - she even said that the shop staff could have helped - they went to her for advice - which ended up being total crap, then she said that she had asked the woman to sit down, but this was all through the member of staff asking advice, she never left her 'station'.  By the time the lady was asked to sit down, she was so distressed it was unbelievable. I did ask that if someone came in having an epileptic fit or ill through diabetes would she have ignore them too????  She didn't know what to say.  I will be reporting this to Manor Pharmacy, but I bet because it was a Mental Health Patient nothing will be said or done.

I am passionate that us Mental Health Patients get the same care and attention that anyone would.  I would love to know what you think of this.

Friday 28th October 2011

The Diet
Breakfast - Pear
Snack -
Lunch - turkey dinner
Snack - yogurt
Dinner - chicken and salad
Snack -

Well the Diet started well today, then I left the house lol! Missed my snack cause went shopping in Derby with my mum. We did a fair bit of walking but back still bad! We went to Bartlewood for a carvary and I planned it out carefully and was going to have turkey, veg and three small boiled potatoes. Anyway they were serving mashed potato (yuck, yuck, yuck!!!!) instead of boiled potatoes, so that messed up my plans and the only edible veg was leeks! So had to break my diet slightly but still not been too bad. In alot of pain tonight but hoping it won't get worse!

Thursday 27th October 2011

The Diet

Breakfast - Yogurt
Snack - Banana
Lunch - Crisp bread and chilli cheese spread
Snack - Pear
Dinner -

Well diet going well, Sidney doing well too, so that is a big worry off my mind. He took his pain killers brilliantly, was really proud of him.

I am in a massive amount of pain today but didn't want to have morphine as mum off tomorrow and we want to go out, grrr! Don't think I can last out much longer! Need Steve to come home to give it me as I'm in too much pain to do it myself.

Wednesday 26th October 2011

Tuesday 25th October 2011

The Diet -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - jacket potato with beans and cheese, small portion
Snack - Pear
Dinner -

Well morning got off to a good start, then felt really off it so stayed in bed. When I got up I had a pear but still not feeling right. Think I have a bit of a cold coming on, chest infection brewing and horrible pains with my Intercostal Neuralgia, think it won't be long before the Oramorph comes out. Generally I am feeling a little sorry for myself, self pity is such a terrible trait of mine!
Had a nice night out at Alison's last night with Tracey, Julie and the other lovely ladies. Its nice to get out once in a while!  We saw a medium who was really good and I was well impressed, looking forward to doing it again!

Its my weigh in tonight and I am hoping for at least a little loss, I am keeping everything crossed lol!!!  I know its been hard over the past week or more because of not feeling good myself and then having Steve off sick too, it was hard to keep my routine.  Steve not ill very often (other than last year when he did it good and proper with the burst appensdix and all that!!!!!!) so I find it difficult to watch him being ill!  He wasn't out of bed til the middle of the afternoon and although he was self sufficient with the cleaning up of any bodily fluids, I knew he was upstairs not feeling good - which then made me feel bad,  but to be honest I didn't want to catch it - whatever it was that he had lol!!!!  Anyway, I can't blame Steve for all the way my diet went, but I told you I would be honest on here and I am disappointed with myself for not being more strict with me!!!!  But anyway, its all done now and I have got back on the straight and narrow so to speak and am eating the proper foods at the proper time!!!  Routine is everything with this diet, it will not work without continuity, you have to feel hungry not starving and eat every couple of hours - thats the best advice I can give if thinking of giving this a try.  Also remember to carry a book around with you and write down everything you put in your mouth as it is easy to forget.  I found that having no naughty food in works a treat, and to buy naughty food you don't like for everyone else!!!

Anyway, I will report back when i have visited Tesco and their trusty weighing scales!!!!

To anyone new reading my blog you will have to go back alot to the beginning, but to see the whole picture it will be worth it.  I started this blog back in September and I have written on it everyday, some more than others depending on the way I am feeling at the time...................!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the weigh in I have put on half a pound :( not good news but I know haven't been as good as I should have been. It is a good kick up the old backside, I will do better next time lol!

Monday 24th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - missed
Lunch - Subway
Snack - Pear
Dinner -
Snack -

Well Amy and me went to meet Steve at lunch, we went for a subway but unfortunately Steve's tummy still off it, maybe too much after being poorly for so long. I have broken my diet by having a sub, but to be honest it was not nice, I am having trouble enjoying 'normal' food,  my body not used to it and it doesn't take kindly to me messing it up!

I am like a coiled spring at the moment and feel like I am going to blow any minute.  The poor kids are getting it in the neck and I am not happy being like this! I have had alot of morphine for my pain this weekend, more than I normally take so I am not sure if this is adding to my stressed feelings! The diet is ok but it is hard when my routine is changed, need to get back into the strict routine I was used to. I am planning on losing another stone and a half by the end of December, so I better knuckle down.

Having a night out with the girls tonight, off to get Amy on the case as my eyebrows are ready to walk off my face and I have a moustache any teenage boy  would be proud of - lol!

Sunday 23rd October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - none
Lunch - none
Snack - none
Dinner - Ham salad

Mmm not had a good day today, was only up for two hours before going back to bed.  Not only in pain and down was wiped out from two consecutive days of morphine.  Not really with it today at all :( . Got some jobs to do tomorrow so got to feel bit better but luckily Amy offered to help me.  Bit disappointed that I didn't have a good look at the fair this year, but neither me or Steve felt up to it!

Have had the munchies with the meds so eaten more chocolate than normal, but back on the strict diet tomorrow! Hope my Stevie feels better soon, poor chap is still off it!

Saturday 22nd October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - Chicken New Yorker
Snack - banana
Dinner - nothing not well

Was on morphine last nigh, so had a thumping head today! Had the normal munchies and did indulge in a bit of chocolate but still not too much! Today went shopping at Morrison's again. Managed to get my salad stuff and some fruit, but all supermarkets at the moment have a terrible range of fresh goods and nothing is consistent, I know its not a good time me year for fresh goods in this country but lets face it even in summer we can only buy foreign produce!

Anyway, Steve still a bit off it so we are going to have a dvd night!

Friday 21st October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - beef Salad
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - ham salad
Snack - Yogurt

Steve still off ill poor bloke. Making my diet hard to stick to but we'll get there.

Thursday 20th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - Banana
Snack -
Dinner -

Well had a lie in today, Steve is still off work and it has totally messed up my routine lol!!!

Wednesday 19th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - ham salad
Snack - Pear
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack - Yogurt

Well little Sidney having his manhood taken away today and I'm relieved for him as everyone will hopefully stop picking my him. He is such a softie and is learning slowly but surely that was are his friends! Daisy still struggling eating but is smelling tons better!

Tuesday 18th October 2011 Weigh day!

The diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Dinner - Small chicken curry at Asda!
Snack - Pear
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Yogurt

Well it was the weigh in tonight and I haven't lost anything since last Friday, but haven't put anything on either so in total lost 2lbs since last Tuesday. Think things went downhill when I had a mixed kebab at my Mum and Dads on Saturday night instead of being good and having just chicken and salad. A good lesson has been learnt from this and the odd bar of chocolate that I have snook in! Tomorrow it is back to being strict, this is the only way to maintain the loss.

So altogether the last week has still been a success because 2lb loss is good but I know it could have been more. Got to remember I control my food now, it does not control me!

My beautiful Daisy had all her teeth out today and she is recovering slowly. I know its the best we could do for her and hope she forgives us soon. Sidney has also gone to the vets for a very delicate procedure, yes you've guessed it, he's having his balls chopped off, poor little man. We are hoping, now he is officially ours that having this done will stop Merlin and the neighbours cats picking on him. He will also be chipped, so he is formally a Housechild lol! Wow 7 beautiful cats, how lucky am I! Five girls and two boys and all my babies!

Will report on their progress tomorrow!  Night night!

Monday 17th October 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Banana
Lunch - chicken breast bites from Morrisons
Snack - Pear
Dinner -
Snack -

Went to meet Steve as lunch today with James, we nipped to Morrisons as Steve fed up with small choice of sandwiches etc from Asda. Forgot how nice Eastwood Morrisons is, think my weekly shop will transfer to there til I get bored again lol! I did have 10 got and spicy chicken nuggets but they were tasty! Not really diet food but its difficult when I meet Steve at lunch

Sunday 16th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - 2 cracker bread with philly
Snack - Pear

Not having a good time at the moment with my mood, really struggling and had to take morphine tablet to try and help the backache! The diet ok, but not feeling good so really down.

Saturday 15th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
snack - Pear
Lunch - Ham Salad
Snack - Yogurt and a jelly
Dinner -
Snack

Well the diet is going well still and I am really chuffed at the 2lb weight loss, it may have slowed down but at least it is still coming off so I must be doing something right!  Anyway it is healthier to do it slowly so I'm happy with that.  I am considering joining Curves,  has anyone experience of this place? Any info would be great because I don't want to sign myself up for something that is not suitable for me!

Friday 14th October 2011

The diet-
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Pear
Lunch - Chicken Curry at Asda Cafe! Yum
Snack -
Dinner - ham salad
Snack</p>

Have come to meet Steve today for Lunch! He should have come out at 12.30 but is on the phone! Ooh he has just appeared! We decided to have something to eat at Asda so I had a naughty chicken curry, but lets face it they don't exactly give you a massive portion lol! Really enjoyed it though! Enjoyed seeing my Steve even if its not for long.
Although I have not stuck to the diet in a strict was this week, I've not fell of the wagon! I was getting far too obsessed so this is my way of getting some control back! I have a problem about being too perfect at things which I have to try and keep in check!

Also today I have been for my regular visit to the job centre. I have been advised to stop applying for jobs and try the volunteering for Derbyshire Voice that is a Mental health charity. She thinks that I will be good at being a rep for them at meetings as I am not frightened of saying what I think, mmm not sure if that's a compliment or not lol! Isn't that what has got me into trouble before!?! I can only argue about things I feel passionate about, so yes maybe this a good start for me, I do hate how Mental health sufferers are judged, treated and discriminated against! I am also passionate about sticking up for my family but that's not always appreciated now I am finding! Oh well I can't change who I am, you can either love me or hate me I ain't going to change!

Anyway rant over think I might have a trip to Tesco with Steve. I will walk slowly down the chocolate and Christmas isle and glance longingly at the goodies on display and behave myself completely lol!

NEWS FLASH - LOST 2LBS SINCE MONDAY! YAY!

Thursday 13th October 2011 Sad day today

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana

Its a sad day today, it is 19 years since my Nana died (my mums mum).  I was pregnant at the time with Ross and he was born only a couple of weeks later on 1st November.  Hopefully we will get chance to go and put some flowers on her and my Grandads grave later on when my mum finishes work.

Well due to other things happening didn't get chance to take flowers so will have to go at the weekend!

Diet going well, really want to have another weigh in but only did it Monday so too soon really. Life at home really complicated at the moment and things are so upside down.  Don't really want to explain this at the moment but as usual its probably all cause of me as I am so useless! Really do think the whole family would be better off without me! Need to think this through!

Wednesday 12th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana

Snack - Pear

Lunch - 3 crackerbreads with low low chesse spread with chilli

Snack - Pear

Dinner - Beef salad

Snack - 

Well my settees and chair arrived today - yay and they look absolutely brill, I was having reservations going from leather back to fabric, but my worries were completely unfounded.  Must admit though some of the cats have tried to use it as a scratching post!!!!!  For the first time ever, we shut the living room door so this couldn't happen whilst we were in bed!!!  The dining room now have the old settee in so its not a though they have nowhere to snuggle down, although I do feel guilty for doing this!!

As for the diet, all is going well really, keep forgetting to take my multi vitamins though, think is cause I take enough stuff as it is without adding more!!!

Tuesday 11th October 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Very sour nectarine yuck!

Well been to the Psychiatrist and yep I'm still wappy lol! Been to weigh myself and I've lost another 2.2lbs, or 1kg which ever you prefer. So total weight loss 8.8kg or 1 stone 6lbs. Yay!  So even the odd cheeky bar of chocolate is not doing me any harm! Though I must admit it is only the odd bar! 

So now off to Queens Hospital at Burton for my MRI scan. Report back later x

Well the MRI scan went well, managed to stay still for 15 mins! Can't wait for results..!

Monday 10th October 2011

The Diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Slice of toast
Lunch - chicken and bacon salad
Snack - Nectartine and jelly
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack -

Well today was physio at Nottingham City Hospital.  My mum had the day off to come with me, so we had the morning in Derby.  I bought a new leather bag and my mum bought me a cat charm for my bracelet and a top - how spoilt am I!!!  Physio was hard work today, gone are the nice soothing exercises, now I have to do mean ones which not only hurt, but make me sweat!!!  It is all worth it though.  Got to go for my scan on my lower back tomorrow to see why I am going numb from my waist to my knees - in a way I hope they find something, so at least it can be treated, otherwise it will be another thing that is blamed by my weight, but funnily enough the numbness has got worse even though I have lost some weight - go figure!!!!

Anyway it is now night time and am I going to try and pin Steve down for a little chat - need to sort this family problem out lol!!!!

Diet a success again today so, yay!!!!

Sunday 9th October 2011

The Diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Don't think I should say lol
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - two plums and a jelly

Well its the Grand Prix this afternoon, so we are going to do a quick wizz around Asda to get even more diet food - bloody diet costs a fortune!!!  Really would like a binge on chocolate today, just the way I am feeling, but I have to stay good, or all my hard work will be for nothing and that will send me spiralling down into a deeper depression and I can't afford that at the mo!!!  Will report back later!!!!!

I really struggled today with food and I have sinned big time, but I would rather not share this with you, as I feel bad enough as it is.  Ended up going back to bed cause I felt so bad, which gave Steve time to go to the gym!!!  I really need to put a line under today and try and forget about it!!!!

Saturday 8th October 2011

The diet -
Breakfast - banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Nando's chicken
Snack - missed :( stuck in traffic
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Yogurt

Had a lovely day today with Steve in Derby. We have had lots of fun and laughs. Picking what to have for lunch was difficult but we decided Nando's was the best option, but I still don't like it there, so won't give it another go! 

Well feeling good about the diet still, but leaving it til Tuesday to weigh myself, which seems ages away.  Unfortunately Steve not on holiday this week like I was hoping, so got physio tomorrow and my mum is coming with me and then on Tuesday I have the Psychiatrist with my CPN and then a spinal scan at Burton Hospital which Steve is coming with me!!!  So got a busy couple of days coming up.  OOh and my settee is coming on Wednesday, at last yipee!!!!!  I can't wait to see what it looks like.  Its a shame they don't give you a time, but they do give you a call half an hour before so will be on tenter hooks waiting yay!!!

Had a quiet night as everyone went out, other than Steve, so I watched X Factor in peace whilst Steve watched some horror in the dining room!!!  Really liking that Craig bloke, he is really trying to look after himself and can sing so lovely!!!  Janet Devlin is a sweetheart and will do well, I am in the camp that dislikes Kitty unfortunately, I can't see the appeal at all, she is just too dramatic for me and I know by the end of it I will be chuntering everytime she is on like I did with Katie Weasel.  Not keen on 2 Shoes, Marcus, Amelia, Nu Vibe or James.  But hey, who I am to judge - but isn't that what we are meant to do????  I always watch, but I am not 100% convinced it is a healthy situation to put people in!!!

Anyway had my rant, yet again.  time for bed!!!

Friday 7th October 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - a Cheeky bar of naughty chocolate
Lunch - Ham salad
Snack - Nectarine
Dinner - chicken salad
Snack -

Well yesterday Steve was put in a very awkward by a member of his family after them not being in touch think they can ring up and demand a favour! I don't  frigging think so! Yes I wanted this sorting out but not this way, hell no!  I will not sit back and take this! My Steve is now very sad and why, because of the most selfish people I have ever known! Steve is my life and I won't let him be used.

Now I bet you wondering about the bar of chocolate! It was lovely lol, a Quality Street My Purple Bar!  First time I have had milk chocolate in over three weeks and I am not too proud to tell you it was the most gorgeous thing I have eaten for ages!  Back on the diet though, I don't blow it and binge like I feel like doing, having a treat is good for the soul I think lol! Makes me a nicer person though! I did buy two but I gave James the other one! See I can do good! Anyway other than that the diet is all good. Not most anymore since Tuesday weigh in, but it has slowed down so will leave it til Tuesday to weigh myself again! Nearly time or Steve getting home so bye for now!

Thursday 6th october 2011

The diet -

Breakfast - yogurt
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with low low cheese spread and slice of ham
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Chicken and veg
Snack - Yogurt Had a strange day today, had nightmares again and it really put a downer on the whole day. Whatever I ate today didn't satisfy me, my depression taking over. I managed not to cheat but it was hard. Steve made me a lovely tea again. He roasts the chicken breast with herbs and spices to make it more palatable with peas, sweetcorn and green beans all my favourite veg! I'm not allowed any sauces or gravy which has taken some getting used to but its ok now! Another successful days!

Wednesday 5th October 2011 - Still chuffed to bits!!!

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with low low chesse spread and a couple of pieces of ham
Snack - Nectarine
Dinner - Roast chicken with veg
Snack - 2 plums and 2 jellies

I am in a lot of pain today and my mood is extremely low, but still in the back of my mind I have a happy place where I am pleased with my progress on the weight loss.  I have also found out that I have been an inspiration to my most excellent friend L, although my inspiration has cost her money lol!!!  Went to meet Steve at lunchtime and we hasd a very slow walk around Asda, I am really fed up with salad at the mo, so Steve says he is going to do something different for me tonight and I am going to have oven baked chicken breast with spices, peas, sweetcorn and 2 baby potatoes, so I am really looking forward to tea.  He really is a star, thinking out of the box and coming up with something tasty, I am boring and stick to the simple things.  But you know this is a big step for me, cause I don't normally look after myself I didn't bother eating all day, so now being in a routine of eating reguarly is a really big thing for me.  So simple food is easy for me to plan and execute lol!!!

I hope that everyone is still enjoying following my blog, I know its all about me, but don't have anything else to talk about lol!!!!  As for the family thing, still have not come up with a solution, mmm will have to keep thinking!!!!

The day has been hard, still in pain and nearly time for bed. I just want to thank everyone again who is supporting and following my blog. It is amazing how many fabulous friends I actually have, I am absolutely bowled over by this.  Your comments mean the world to me, please keep then coming. Love to you all!

Today is another success!

Tuesday 4th October 2011 - D Day

The diet so far -

Breakfast - Banana (surprise surprise lol)
Snack -  Nectarine
Lunch - Chinese buffet - Had mainly pork which was very lean, had some rice
Snack - Missed
Dinner - Beef salad

Snack - Yogurt

Well its D Day and time to show all the doubters that I am not a complete loser!!!  Isn't it funny, the people who thought I would fail at this have said nothing at all - amazing!!!  Well I am all up and ready, just got to wait for Steve to get out of bed and James too, he doesn't have work or college today bless him, he does work hard!!!  Will report back later what the hospital have said!!!

Right, I am a bit late reporting, but better late than never eh!!!  Anyway, I couldn't believe it, the dietitian couldn't even raise a smile, she just said 'I can live with that' - ha I could have kicked her but I didn't, couldn't be bothered to get arrested lol!!!  Anyway,  I have lost more weight than I thought, I had calculated my weight one kg lighter so altogether I have lost 17.2lbs.  I have to go back in seven weeks to check on my progress - feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to do well again, but the weight loss has slowed down so realisitically thats not going to happen.  I will stick to the diet but I know I will not lose as much in the same time.

Well for a celebration we went to May Sum Chinese Buffet in Derby.  I was still very careful what I ate, I certainly didn't want to upset my stomach, or spoil all of the hard work I have put in!!!  Afterwards we went for a trot around Westfield and James, the little angel bought me a charm for my bracelet, it is beautiful.  So me and Steve have decided for every stone I lose, I get a charm - what an incentive is that - yay!!!!

I count this as another successful day - whoop whoop!!!!!

Monday 3rd October 2011 One day to go til the hospital!!!

The Diet
Breakfast - Yogurt and a little later on a banana!!!
Snack - Another banana - going to turn into one eventually!!!
Lunch - 2 crakerbreads with a thin layer of phili and a couple of slices of beef
Snack - 2 small pears
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Yogurt and jelly

Well one day to go til the hospital, I must admit this past three weeks hasn't really dragged at all like I thought it would being on such a strict diet!!!  I am going to go any weigh myself tonight just to check on my progress before stepping on the cattle scales at hospital - they are massive and take up quarter of the room - how embarrassing lol!!!
I am trying to get all the washing and ironing done today, so Steve and me can have a nice day tomorrow without worrying about housework!!!  My pains are quite bad, so I am trying to pace myself, less haste and all that!!!  So glad it is sunshining, got stuff on the line and tumble dryer is going - just got to really pace myself for the ironing.  Right, can't sit here all afternoon, better carry on......................!!!!
Well I have done a majority of the ironing, in a lot of pain but chuffed to have done it. Gives me and Steve a rest tomorrow from it! Even managed to give the bathroom a good going over! Anyway, I have been for last weigh in before tomorrow and have lost another pound since Saturday. My loss up to date it now 16.5lbs in 20 days. So today another success, yay! 

Sunday 2nd October 2011

The diet -

6.45 am - Yogurt
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears
Lunch -
Snack -
Dinner -
Snack -

Well had a lovely night with the niece and nephew, due to lack of space because so many people stopping last night poor Steve ended up on the settee!!!  Now what to do today, still got yesterdays predicament on my mind, still not sure what to do - mmm got to get my thinking cap on!!!

Saturday 1st October 2011

The diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Peach
Lunch - Cajun Chicken with salad and half a jacket potato
Snack - Peach
Dinner -Ham salad
Snack - Peach

Well I'm in a lot of pain today, but have lots to do and we have the niece and nephew coming to stay tonight, so have to get lots of goodies in for them.  Must say I had a better nights sleep last night even though it was hot, thank goodness for our fan, don't know how I would sleep without it!!!

Went to Tesco today to get myself weighed, up to date I have lost just over 15lbs in 18 days.  So it shows that the weight loss has slowed down a bit, but thats not a problem.  I go to to hospital on Tuesday and I do think they will be amazed at how well I have done, think they are expecting me to fail!!!!

I have come to a decision, well I think I have lol.  To be honest I am fed up with the divide within the family, not on my side, we are all ok, but the other side isn't!!!  For years we have been exculded from family things, mostly because we had small children and that I was not really what they decided was good marriage material for their son!!!  Since the kids have grown up we have been included in more things, but also there have been moments that I have had to keep quiet over things that have unsettled me.  Now I had to keep quiet to save other peoples feelings, but no one thought about mine.  Anyway this was taken out of my hands when we were completely ignored last Christmas - this broke my Steve's heart - but as we had actually done nothing wrong, we did not make the effort back anymore, now this has been going on for 10 months and it is getting silly.  We have now been excluded from a family wedding, why????  I don't know as we have done nothing, or said nothing to get us excluded, this can only have happened by certain family members stirring things.

Now, me and Steve keep to ourselves, we do not impose on anyone - never have, never just turned up with the kids and made anyone feel awkward, we accepted the way everyone felt and got on with life.  But then people expect you to change, just cause it suits them - I have never been able to conform to other peoples thinkings.  I am ill and have been for 18 years, I no longer make excuses for my illness or how it makes me behave sometimes.  People who love me, accept my quirkiness, those who don't. don't and ignore me!!!  this is fair enough, but don't start making things difficult with others, that is not necessary!!!  The cousin who's wedding is today is lovely and so is her now husband, I have never ever insulted them or done anything infact and neither has Steve!!!!

So, anyway the point of this rant, is that I have decided, like my past life, I want to leave it there in the past.  All this is upsetting Steve and I don't want that.  He is a strong man and will not apologise for something he hasn't done - I can't blame him for this, but I think I need to do something to make all this right again, or as right as possible.  I know I will be the blame of everything thats gone wrong, but I am easy to blame as none of these people really know who I am. The thing is I just don't pretend to be something I am not unlike some others I can mention.  So I need to decide what to do - any ideas??????

Friday 30th Sept 2011 - Day 17!!!!

The Diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears
Lunch - Ham salad
Snack - Peach
Dinner - Chicken kebab
Snack - Yogurt

Well its day 17, who would have thought I would get this far!!!  Date with the dietitian on Tuesday and I am hoping this time I don't get told off - why should I anyway I have lost a stone already in two weeks - don't think I could do better than that!!!!  It definitely is mind over matter with this diet, as long as I stick to a routine with times I am ok, if I let myself get hungry thats when I start thinking of other things like chocolate!!!  Lesson learnt there!!!  But one bar of chocolate in 17 days is fab considering how much I did eat every night!!!

Was going to meet Steve for lunch, but he has been called away, so another long boring day - but I know its not his fault, so I am not blaming him, was just looking forward to seeing him!!!  Been having nightmares again and they unsettle me, they seem so real!!!! Off to do some chores, be back later!!! Had a good talk with my mum tonight about my diet, thing is I am a little scared of being obsessive about it, I am afraid I sometimes do this about things and it then rules my life! So I have decided that I am allowed a sin every now and again and that I shouldn't feel bad about it. So tonight I had my sin, Steve automatically ordered it with mayonnaise which shocked me, but Steve had my pitta. I had a few chips but not many. Anyway it really wasn't worth having I felt no more satisfied than when having my normal diet salad! So from now on if we are out I will eat what I want but when at home stick exactly to my diet. This is not set in stone but worth trying! Just wish my mood would lift, it is so hard to try and get through everyday feeling like this. Do I say today has been a success? I still think so, I haven't binged on chocolate, so yes its still a success! Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday 29th September 2011 - Need a little luck!!!

The diet thing -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears
Lunch - Ham salad
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Peach and jelly

Morning everyone!!!  Well as you know from my previous blogs I applied for a samll job, unfortunately they never got back to me :( I did ask to be let know either way but obviously it was easier for them not to tell me!!!  so I am wishing for a little bit of luck, I just need a little job, I am not searching for something that is going to be impossible for me to do healthwise!  Going to have another look at the job centre and see if anything else available.  Report back later!!!

What a day! Diet going fine, life in general is crap! Not sure what direction to go in at the moment. I only need the simple things in life, but everything seems so complicated. Yep,  I feel very lonely at the moment and alone in my thoughts, although it would be nice to share, I really can't.


What a hard day!!!  Diet a success though, so yay!!!

Wednesday 28th Sept 2011

First the diet -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - missed
Lunch - chicken salad (pub lunch)
Snack - 2 small pears
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack -

Oh dear, I had another interupted nights sleep, but this time keep going to the loo, but I no longer wake up for chocolate which is brilliant.  Had an early morning, went with T to the tattoo shop and watched her have one done!!!  I must find a cat that I really like so I can have mine done too, I do need to add to the collection I have (tattooos not cats lol) !!!  We then had a stroll around Ripley and then went to the pub for lunch.  I had a chicken caesar salad without the caesar sauce - how hardcore am I lol!!!!  I did have a panic when I got home thinking, have I blown my diet because I hadn't made it and weighed the meat - what I didn't seem to realise is that I had the option of anything on the menu and I still stuck to the diet - yay!!!!

Unfortunately the panic and the whole mental issue just took its toll and I was then not very well.  Didn't help that I had backache, but I feel into a deep depression again.  It wasn't helped by the fact everyone went out and left me too - it would be nice if someone checked if I was ok before running out of the house!!!  Trouble is they know what I am going to say, so to avoid missing out on their own entertainment they ignore my needs - does that sound selfish????  Yes probably, but when I am that down I need support!!!!

Anyway, today was a success diet wise, so thats one happy note to leave today on!!!!

Tuesday 27th September 2011 - Praying for a better day!!!

As usual the diet first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham Salad
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner -
Snack -

Morning all, I am now really praying for a better day.  I have been really really low now for quite a few days.  Everything has lost its meaning at the moment and everything seems pointless, but I am forcing myself to stick to the diet, saying that I don't feel the need to do anything else!!!!  I am not thinking about nice food or cheating because it all seems pointless.  I have nothing to look forward to and my life just seems really hard.  I will come back later and hopefully I will have something interesting tio write about.  Bye for now!!!

Well I am back, still feeling really crap, but hey ho nothing I can do about it!!!  Just been thinking about the job interview I went for last week, still not heard anything, so I am assuming that I haven't got it.  Its a real shame because I would have really liked it and it would, I am sure given me some confidence back.  I am sick of feeling like a loser.  I really thought 18 years ago when I got ill, it wouldn't last long and then after what I had experienced, I would make the most of life and enjoy myself - oh boy how wrong was I!!!!  I know this is the first step to changing my life, but as much as I hope it will, I know weight loss is not the miracle I am looking for - saying this I am not giving up on the diet!!!  Oh no it has taken me too long to get into this mindset and I am not going to throw it away!!!  Well it looks like I will be continuing with the job hunting, but how often do 12 hour a week jobs come along????

Its my day to be weighed again, so fingers crossed that it is still working and keeping it at a 1lb loss per day.  I must admit the diet has played havoc with my bowels, but I suppose with such a radical change in diet it is to be expected.  One more week to go before my next dietitian appointment, I think she is going to be shocked - lets hope so, as I have worked hard on this!!!!!!!!!!!

On a really cheery note, Steve has booked a week off, the second week in October.  I have today received my date for my scan (at last) and as I have quite a few hospital appointments that week including Physio, Psychiatrist, plus Job Centre and now scan, it is less stressful when I already know someone is coming with me and I don't have to make arrangements with lots of people!!!

Will report later on my weight!!!!  Bye for now!!!

As promised my weight loss up to date is 13.5lbs - yay nearly one stone!!!

Monday 26th Sept 2011 - Another bad depression day!!!

The diet -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with philly
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Beef salad
Snack -

Really struggling today moodwise, finding it very difficult to do the blog at the moment. Minnie is sitting on the computer desk so playing with her is soothing.  Luckily I am not feeling like having anything naughty up to yet, think yesterday was because I felt it would make a diffrence in my mood and at least it proved it didn't.  I spend far too much time beating myself up about things, wish I could change that, but I doubt I will - ever!!!

Well today has not got any better mood wise :((((  One thing to look forward to is Steve booking a week off in October.  Its going to be a short blog today, as I am finding everything a little too much to handle.  Another successful day!!!

Sunday 25th Sept 2011 - Wow I feel rough!!!!

Diet as ususal -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - 2 small pears and a yoghurt
Lunch - 2 crackerbreads with philly
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Chicken salad
Snack - Nectarine and 2 jellies

Well what an eventful night!!! A very funny girl needing to be let in drunk, falling up the stairs after she switched all the lights off and then the middle one needing taxi money from the hospital which the police had dumped him after being set on by some idiot men!!! Wow our life if never dull!!! So me and the hubby had a lie in this morning and now my diet is all to pot!!!!  Feeling so rough its untrue.  My mind is wandering to horrible thoughts and getting through today is going to be tough.  Good job got Steve off today!!!  Already dreading him back at work tomorrow.

Right, well I did promise to be honest in this blog, so I have a confession.  I was really not very well yesterday and nothing could lift my mood, I had extra chicken on my salad and later on I had a bar of Frys chocolate orange cream.  I just felt like if I was a bit naughty it would help my mood, and to be honest it didn't.  At first I was disappointed in myself, then I reasoned that I had lost 11lbs in 11 days isn't that enough reason to have one treat?????  Wish it had made a difference, but honestly it didn't!!!

I still seee this as a successfull day!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 24th September 2011 I would love to cheat......!!! + News Flash!!!

First things first - the diet

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Can't remember!!!
Lunch - Beef salad
Snack - Missed was asleep
Dinner - Ham salad
Snack - Nectarine, yogurt and jelly (was hungry lol!!!)

Morning, now in the title I say I would like to cheat - this is not entirely true!!!  The thing is when Steve is off we normally go to the pub for dinner or tea and today I am already missing that, and lets face it who wants to go out for salad when you could have chicken new yorker or something mexican lol!!!  We have decided to keep ourselves busy today so I don't get too down hearted about it.  We now have time to decorate the dining room before it changes into another sitting room as my settees, apparently, were delivered to the store on Thursday but didn't pass quality control and have been sent back, although this pees me off, it does give us more time to sort things out - so I am going to see it as a blessing!!!

I must add that the bananas I bought from Asda are horrible, not taste, so got to go to Tesco as theirs are really sweet and tasty - who would have thought I would have turned into a banana buff eh!!! lol  Well off to Tesco and Wilko, anyone need anything????????

News Flash!!! Well, just a quick report, when we went to Tesco, I couldn't resist weighing myself again!!!!  I have now lost 11lbs in 11 days, now even I think that is impressive.  I no longer want to go to the pub for dinner, I am quite happy to stick to what I am doing and keep this weight coming off!!! Now going to make my lunch. Whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well not long after this was written, I went really down hill.  My mood really dipped and I felt so ill, I wanted to curl up in a ball.  I decided to go to bed and I didn't get up till teatime, so this meant I missed my snack - not good but I was not well at all.  Didn't feel any better later on but managed to have tea and snack.  So really the day was a success again, but felt really ill!!!

Friday 23rd September 2011 - Another day ...................

The diet first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - two small pears
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with phillly and yogurt
Snack - Nectarine and jelly
Dinner - Beef salad - let, cuc, tom, beetroot, pickled onions, celery, radish, 2 crispbreads with a very thin layer of philly to take dryness off (bit naughty but oh well - still very little)
Snack - 2 small pears and jelly

Right, well its a bit late in the day today for me to be starting my blog, but had a pretty busy day.  Had physiotherapy this morning in Nottingham and my beautiful Amy came with me.  We were really lucky and managed to park close to the entrance to physio, also a dread of mine, because of both my pain and agoraphobia!!!  Physio is getting harder and harder, but I am seeing benefits from both this and my weight loss.  It will not control the pain, but being fitter is my aim at the moment.  The initial exercises were quite soothing, but the new ones are about getting my heart rate up.  Got to start walking around the back garden, which is going to be a struggle as I don't really venture out there much, but I will push myself to do it. Then I had a chat on the phone with T, who, bless her can't believe how good I am being - hope you enjoy your Indian tonight mate (grrrrr lol)!!!

Anyway, after physio we nipped into town and then came home and my lovely sister-in-law Claire came to see me.  We always manage to have a good chat, then Amy did me a pedicure which I desparately needed, don't often get time to spend with Amy as she has her own business, but when we do get together it is lovely.  should have gone for my flu jab, but I was not feeling too good after physio so will have to put it in the diary for a later date!!!

The diet is still going well, I did add a very thin layer of philadelphia on my crispbread with my dinner, but to be honest I don't really see it as cheating cause my calorie intake is so low anyway.  But crispbread must be the most driest, tasteless food on this planet (other than rice cakes eek!!!) and needs a little something to help it down!!!  See,  I bet you can tell I feel I guilty about this and am trying to justify altering the diet every so slightly!!!  But I told you in the beginning it is only me that it affects if I do the diet wrong!!!  I am dying to weigh myself again, but I have to stay strong, four more days to go.  I am able to fit in some clothes that I bought in the last winter sale, which would only have been earlier this year.  I am so happy that I can get into more pairs of trousers and that certain ones keep falling down - yay!!! (not yay when stood in Tesco car park though - yes its happened before!!!!).

Well its now half past seven and time for me to go now and spend sometime with my lovely family.  Thanks again to all that are following my blog and progress, your support is so much appreciated.  So I will sign off with day 10 being a complete success!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday 22nd September 2011 - Job interview today

First things first, the diet diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with philly and 2 plums
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Ham salad, lett, toms, cuc, spring onions, 2 crispbreads
Snack -

Well, I has a really good nights sleep, woke up a few times, but seemed to get back off quickly.  Now some of my nightmares are working their way back into my dreams.  I was only commenting over the past couple of weeks I have not had these dreams, maybe all the changes going off my head is getting mashed at night again, maybe time to increase my night meds like I have the past few nights.

I have an interview this afternoon, just an informal interview and anyone who is in which a chance has to do two weeks trial, must admit this seems a bit extreme for a 12 hour a week job, but hey ho I am prepared to jump through hoops if that gets me the job!!!

Need to talk about my mood at bit, see if sharing makes it a little less daunting.  I am up and down like a yoyo, one minute I am pleased about what I am doing, then then next so down I can't see the point.  Having so much support is what is keeping me going, my Mum and Steve are my backbone at the moment, I would crumble without them - they praise me for the littlest thing, and sometimes this is what I need, just that little pat on the head to confirm that I am not a complete loser. I know people have opinions about me, think that I do nothing at all and that I am lazy - this is not true, but why should I justify myself to these people - if they want to spend their time critiquing me then let them, I am obviously more interesting than I thought!!!

Anyway, that is todays rant over hopefully!!!  See you later xxx

Well I went to the interview, and the bloke was really nice.  Would really like the job, but there are a lot of people being interviewed by the sounds of it. I know it would do my confidence loads of good, but I won't be down hearted if I don't get it.  Got to wait til next week, so need to put it out of my head til I hear something, or I will drive myself insane (even more if that is possible lol).  Well had to nip to Asda tonight when Steve got home to stock up on the diet food.  First time I have really been out since starting the diet and I really felt light headed and hungry, this is the first time this has happened.  Steve and I spoke about it and agreed that I do not have a high calorie intake on this diet and perhaps it is not that suitable if I plan to move around alot!!!  So going to keep to it til next Tuesday when I get weighed again, and then possible add a few more calories if I know I am going to go out - I know I don't do this often, so I can plan ahead for this.  My energy levels are still quite high and am ok doing things around the house, so know I am safe enough to keep on with this for a bit longer.  I go back to the hospital on the 4th October, so will see what they advise then.  I don't think this is a long term diet, but I needed something to kick me into gear and this certainly has - think the Dietitian will be pleased when I go.

Anyway, its getting late and there must be something that I can watch on telly til Steve and James get back from the gym.  Another successful day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday 21st Sept 2011 - 7lb lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the diet diary first -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 crispbreads with light philadelphia cheese spread, two plums
Snack -Nectarine and a jelly
Dinner - Ham Salad, lettuce, tom, cuc, beetroot, sweetcorn, 2 crispbreads
Snack -Yogurt

Well, I am pleased to say that I had a really good nights sleep!!!  It was tough going to bed, as I went really down and badly needed (or so I thought) something naughty to eat, but I took a glass of sugar free squash to bed with me and everything was fine.  I did have the panics last night too, so that didn't help so I took my meds early and then some later on which helped loads.  This morning Steve had to wake me for my breakfast bless him.

Well I am still waiting for an appointment at Burton Hospital for another scan of my spine, but in a different place to last time.  I know these things take time, but it is frustrating that I haven't heard anything back from them.  Back at Physio on Friday so will have to ask then, as they are the ones who have referred me this time.  The job that I rang about yesterday never got back to me, what do you do?  Do you ring them again and maybe look a pest, or leave it and think that maybe it wasn't meant to be?  I don't want to think I leave everything to fate, I do believe I have the option to change things if I really want!!!

I am not sure if it this is down to the diet or just my mood, but I am starting to lose my calmness again.  Over the past few months, I have made a conscious effort to be calm instead of getting into a tizz, it has worked, I shout alot less and swear alot less and gererally tried to be nice!!!  This is wearing thin at the mo and sometimes I feel like I did not so long ago where I could shout my lungs out and have a proper temper tantrum - I know it would make me feel better, but not those around me!!!  I have some relaxation techniques from my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) based on Buddist techniques, so I think now is the time to give them a try before I upset someone.

I know I should be really chuffed with myself for losing 7lbs, but I am struggling to - this is what I hate most about being a depressive, you never get a fair look at something, its always never enough!!  I try and kid myself that things will be great when I have slimmed down, but were they great when I was slim before - NO, but only because I was depressed!!!  Its a no win situation.  I remember my doctor warning me about this, and I just thought, well no maybe not but it will be one less thing for me to worry about.  My Psychiartist always tells me how hard I am on myself and that I will never see anything I do to be good enough. I push myself too hard mentally trying to be perfect - I am a horrible person trying to make things right, but perhaps I should just give up and realise I can't change who I am, people have a good reason to not like me, I am bad!!!

Mmm as you may have gathered not a particularly good day for my depression, but diet stuck to and another successful day!!! OOh and the job I rang about rang me about, I have an informal interview tomorrow at 3pm, fingers crossed eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday 20th Spet 2011 - Day 7 yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morning everyone, again the diet diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, beetroot
Snack - Yogurt

Had a really decent nights sleep, no Bubbles to keep me awake lol!!!  Woke a few times and I dreaded trying to nod off again, but it must have happened.  Decided to watch Tangled in bed and then that sleepy feeling came over me and I succumbed and had a little nod!!!  Anyway, up today and feeling full of energy, even if the pains keep saying noooooo!!!  Its quite noisy here today, James not at college or work and  Ross and his mate listening to what they call music!!!  What a din lol!!!

Still looking for that illusive job, found one yesterday for 12 hours, perfect.  But I left a message and they have not got back to me :((  this is sad cause it would have been perfect!!  Really excited that my new settees and chair will be here by the end of the week, Steve has done an absolute fantastic job of painting the living room, just got to replace the blinds which have been ruined by the pussies coming in and out of the window and get some lovely new pictures, ooh yes and a coffee table, but not some ordinary coffee table this has got to be something special, got a picture in my mind, but not found it in reality yet!!!!

I suppose I ought to talk about the diet now that I am on day seven.  I don't think I have stressed enough how difficult it has been, but from somewhere I seem to have collected this willpower which is at the moment iron clad.  I think the fact that I have more energy helps.  I can't say that I don't think about chocolate, because I do, but I just try and remember what my life was like only a few days ago when I didn't dare go to bed without a shed load of chocolate, the panic I felt and the relief when I knew I had so much!  I did say to Steve last night before bed, its strange not saying 'got my chocolate babe, see you up there!!!'. I am not even missing the take-a-ways, or nipping to the pub - the pros far out weigh the cons at the moment.  Luckily, I think for me, chocolate was never an issue in the day, so its not posing a problem for me now.

I would just like to reiterate what I have said before - everything on the diet plan is what I eat, nothing more and nothing less.  If I lied on this blog, the only person it would affect is me - so I can promise you this is a genuine account of what I am eating and what is happening in my life.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself and I will report back if there has been any weight loss, fingers crossed eh!!!

NEWS ALERT!!!!! I have been to Tesco and weighed myself, now these scales are as close to the hospital that I have found, so here goes - I have lost 7lbs  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday 19th Sept 2011 - What does today hold????

As before I will start with my food diary -

Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Beef salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, drizzle of Caesar dressing.
Snack - 2 plums, one Harley's sugar free jelly
Dinner - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish, 2 crispbreads, drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Yogurt

Had another disturbed nights sleep but this time it was down to Bubbles, who decided to lie on me all night and if I tried to move her she growled which is not exactly like her, she does normally have a grumble but something was obviously bothering her, so I let her stay (I know those who are not cat lovers won't understand lol)!!!  Anyway my Stevie bought me my banana to bed, but this morning I was no how, still feel off it, but I can say that it isn't down to my diet, this is my depression - suffered too many years to not to know. I know I am most of the time down and low but this morning was even worse, those horrible nasty feelings I get were creeping in.  Anyway I eventually managed to get up and try and face the world, had my shower and had my snack.  I am missing Steve too, it is hard when I have had company for a couple of days and then go back to being on my own - this is why I feel I need a little job, not too many hours, just to keep me focused on something else - blimey if I can stick to this diet I can do a little job lol!!!!

Now I have to do the thing I hate most in the world, dry my hair!!!  I have promised myself that when I get to my target weight that I can have it all cut off and then I will be back to my natural blonde colour and feel human again - ha not sure about the human again!!!  Well its time to go and do it, will be back later. Bye for now!!!!!!!

Hi I'm back again, its nearly time for tea!!!  Felt better as the afternoon gone on, still not right, but coping which is the main thing.  Kids all been about today, so been quite a noisy household with some of Ross' friends here too!!!  Now Steve home so its time again for food yum yum.  I can't believe that I am not  missing my normal bad diet.  Just been talking to Amy about how my energy levels have changed since cutting out the sugar and bad fats,  she is a skinny minx and a sugar addict too, so does not believe me when I say it has changed the way I feel completely and could possibly help her with her tiredness.  Seven days ago, my life was about how much sleep I could fit in to 24 hours!!!  I know I had a lie in this morning but that was my depression taking over not loss of energy.  I don't think anyone will believe it easily if they haven't been in the position of being so heavy and lethargic, then suddenly having more energy than I know what to do with.

You may have noticed that I haven't posted my weight!!!  I think it is a lady's perogative to keep somethings to themselves (but I will publish amount of weight loss).  Yes I am ashamed I have let myself get so heavy, but I have asked for years and years for help and always had the same answer, 'cut down on what you are eating'!!!  Yes this may be simple to some people but to others it is an absolute nightmare, especially if you have other things wrong with you or going off in your life!!!  It had come to a point where I was barely functioning, both mentally and physically.  Not that I am saying that this is solved already after six days, I am optimistic but not delusional lol!!!  Yes I still suffer from depression and yes, I still have pains in all of my body, but I now have an extra medicine and its called energy.  This helps me move my bulk around and start trying to do things that only a week ago were impossible.  I know there will be some doubters out there, and I don't blame you - I have a terrible track record of sticking to something long term, but that is not because I am lazy, its because I am ill - these two things sometimes get muddled up and people think the worse of me.  The only thing I can say to these people is that I wish you could for one day live in my shoes and then tell me how they felt!!!  Living with depression and everything that comes with that, the panic attacks, the phobic anxiety, the agoraphobia and to top it off the self harm is hard, it is not an easy way of life and lets face it if I was faking any of this I am a bloody good actress cause I have kept it up for over 18 years.  My family have suffered in a big way because of my illness, my mum, dad, husband and kids have all lived a life of hell because of me and my illnesses, only my true friends have hung around, they might not always understand me, but they stick by me and all help in their own ways.  I thank each and everyone of you for that XXX

Unfortunately there have been people who have come into my life over the past few years, and have not liked me enough to understand me, they have been quick to make judgements and decided that I am not worthy of their time or effort.  This is a shame, because I can be good friend and a loyal one, I would always have been there if just for a shoulder to cry on!  I must admit I am not good at being told what to do, a trait I think I get from my Dad lol.  Out of all this Steve has suffered the most and I find it hard to sit back and watch this happen and not say something significant to sort it all out, I know I was not the perfect choice for a wife, but Steve loves me and I love him.  We have got through some really tough times together and if those didn't break us, these feuds won't either.


Sorry peeps if that was getting a little deep, maybe I just needed to let off some steam today and here seems the perfect location. Anyway its nearly the end of day six and again I can say it is a complete success!!!

Sunday 18th Sept 2011 - Diet update and a little extra!!!

Right, first of all I will list my food up to now, which is lunchtime.

Breakfast - Yogurt
Snack - Banana
Lunch - 2 cracker breads with light philidelphia (Black Cracked Pepper and Spring Onion)
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Beef salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot and radish, drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Nectarine

Ok, so that is it so far today food wise.  Just had a nip to Tesco with my mum, as Steve still painting, to fetch a few essentials like more no sugar squash, salad crisp sweetcorn and loo rolls, but we won't go into that one lol!!! So, last night was interesting, no sugar cravings at all, the only thing that disturbed my sleep last night was Ross ringing me to let him as he had forgot his key for a change!!!  Normally being awake would then lead to lots of chocolate, but I have none and I have no intention of starting eating it again.  So my night was quite disturbed, but its getting easier.  I am getting headaches though, but a couple of paracetamol sorts it out quickly.

I am now getting up in the morning, which is another miracle.  I have a lot more energy and am finding things to do which normally I would leave for poor old Steve, for example the dishes - the boys do not like doing their own dishes and love to eat but hate to clean up after themselves, so now these little things are irritating me, but instead of moaning and leaving it to Steve, I am doing it - yay!!!  We are a bit upside down at the moment with Steve decorating the living room and generally having to move things about to change the dining room into another living space for the kids and their mates to hang out - saves them spilling beer on my nice new settee which should be with us by the end of the week!! Anyway, its time I went and did something other than sit on the computer.  Bye for now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I managed to be a bit of domestic goddess including doing a bit of ironing until the pain in my body and limbs got to much (down to my intercostal neuralgia) but a bit was better than my normal nothing.  Managed to not have a nod in the afternoon either - bonus!!  Day five - a success!!!!

My Diet Diary Wed - Sat 14 - 17 Sept 2011

As I have started this blog four days in, I am going to list what I have eaten each day, then from now on I will post everyday what I have eaten.  These diaries will be truthful, as cheating will only harm me and no one else, so I what I write down is what I actually have.  I hope you don't find it too boring, but I need to keep a check on it too, I carry around a book with me to log everything that I eat.  I have also posted the diet that I am following previously.

Wednesday 14th Sept -
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Ham salad - 100g lean ham (not formed or reformed) lettuce, tomato, celery, onion.
Snack - Banana
Dinner - Turkey salad - 100g turkey (again off the bone) salad as above
Snack - Yogurt (Fat Free Shape Delights, do have fruit in but if you swallow not chew its edible)

Thursday 15 Sept 2011
5.45 am - Yogurt
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Turkey and ham salad, lettuce, tomato, onion, celery, small drizzle of french dressing
Snack - Yogurt
Dinner - Ham salad - as above
Snack - Nectarine and two sugar free Harley's jellies

Friday 16th Sept 2011
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Yogurt
Lunch - Ham salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot, drizzle of low fat Caesar dressing
Snack - Nectarine
Dinner - Hot chicken salad with fajita spice, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, celery
Snack - Watermelon and yogurt

Saturday 17th Sept 2011
Breakfast - Banana
Snack - Nectarine
Lunch - Turkey salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radishes, drizzle of low fat french dressing
Snack - 200g strawberries
Dinner - Turkey salad, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, 1 cracker bread (41 cals), drizzle of Caesar dressing
Snack - Nectarine (for a change lol) and a fat free yogurt

I have forgot to add drinks, but I have many glasses of no sugar squash throughout the day.

The Diet Plan

This is a calorie controlled diet which I am using from the hospital which states it is useful for a limited time - I have been given this by a dietitian and strongly suggest you consult a doctor if thinking of using this diet as I know this is ok for me, but I can't guarantee it is safe for anyone else.  I am showing this diet in detail, so you can see the variety I can have even though all the 'goodies' have been taken away.

Have three meals a day and use the 'extra' fruit and yogurts as desserts or snacks
Try to vary the foods as much as possible to help make sure you are getting a good range of nutrients.  It may be a good idea to start having a multivitamin and iron supplement   
Do not guess weights, always use scales
No sugar, cooking oils, margarine, butter, low fat spread, mayonnaise or sauces are allowed.
Water, tea, coffee and low calorie squash are allowed freely (use milk from allowance)
A small amount of the following can be added to food if needed: salt, lemon juice, vinegar, balsamic vinegar, garlic, herbs, pepper, artificial sweeteners, low calorie salad dressing (not low mayonnaise or salad cream)
Sugar free jelly and sugar free chewing gum are allowed freely
Include at least 2 litres of fluids a day (4-5 pints)

Breakfast 30g non sugar-coated and nut-free cereal (eg porridge oats, ready brek, branflakes, rice krispies, special K, cornflakes, shreddies, sultana bran)
OR  1 1/2 weetabix or shredded wheat
OR  1 portion of fruit
OR  1 diet/virtually fat free yogurt or fromage frais
OR  1 small slice of bread or roll

Lunch and Dinner
 1 small slice of bread or small roll
OR  2 crispbreads
OR 100g potato (uncooked weight) - jacked, boiled or mashed with milk from allowance
OR 30g (uncooked weight) of rice, couscous, pasta or noodles

With unlimited amount of vegetables or salad

With Choose ONE of the following - all are cooked weights

150g steamed or poached fish.  No batter or breadcrumb coatings
OR 100g lean meat, trim off all fat before cooking
OR  1 large egg eg poached, boiled or scrambled with milk from allowance
OR  150g Quorn or Tofu
OR  40g cheese eg cheddar, brie, stilton etc
OR  60g low fat cheese eg Philidelphia light, Laughing Cow Light
OR  100g chicken or turkey
OR  150g tinned tuna (not in oil)
OR  100g tinned salmon, sardines, pilchards (not in oil)
OR  half a can Healthy Eating baked beans

Each day also have:
260 ml (half pint) of skimmed or semi skimmed milk
3 portions of fruit (one of which could be swapped for a small 150ml glass of fruit juice
1 diet/virtually fat free yogurt or fromage frais

A portion of fruit is:
1 large fruit eg banana, apple, pear, orange, grapefruit
OR
2 small fruits eg kiwi, plum, satsuma
OR
200g strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, rhubarb or gooseberries
OR
10 grapes or cherries
OR
100g tinned fruit in juice

As I mentioned at the beginning, this diet has been given to me by a dietitian and I would recommend, strongly that if you have to lose alot of weight you check with your doctor first what diet is appropriate for you

14th September 2011 the start of my new life.....

Ok, well I have started this blog four days into my diet, so bear with me and I will let you know exactly what I have been up to for these days that will be missing.

It all started when I visited the hospital to see my dietitian J on Tuesday 13th September 2011.  I had put on even more weight and I felt dreadful.  At this point I more or less demanded that she help me by giving me a structured diet to follow, perhaps thinking back I should have done this in the first place, she isn't a mind reader so had no idea what I really needed to give me a kick start.  J then happily fetched me a copy of a diet, that I am assured, if stuck to, will work!!!  I was so pleased with this result and happily made an appointment for three weeks time to show J that I could do it!!! Changing my sleeping habits is going to be difficult too as I like to sleep most of the day, as I find it lonely being home on my own all day, although the cats do occupy me when they like lol!!!

Now I have to confess that the same evening I had made arrangements to go out for tea with T, and to be honest I wanted to have a lovely blow out before I had to resign myself to a life of misery (or so I thought anyway, I am one to be dramatic!!!).  So T and I went for an Indian and I had a wonderful chicken tikka masala that went down a treat.  So anyway, because I had had the Indian I decided that that night was going to be the first of not having any chocolate!  It was ok, woke a few times, but think the Indian had filled me so much I could get back to sleep - success, my first night of no chocolate. (Ohh for anybody that doesn't know me reading this, I never eat chocolate in the day, it is a night time thing for me).

So we start on day one of my diet (Wednesday), which was quite uneventful, I was amazed that because I knew what I was going to eat it was alot easier to get my head round.  Now part of my illness is not really looking after myself and so eating in the day before this diet was not really an option for me and I would wait for Steve to get home to decide what I was going to eat and then let him prepare it - like I said, saint!!!! I would like to say that day one was SUCCESSFUL!!!

Now I wish I could say the same for the night - boy was it hard.  So I am usually up four or five times in the night to eat chocolate - copious amounts, sometimes I would nod off and I would wake up when I dropped the chocolate and then I would carry on, I would often wake up with melted chocolate all over my body!! So even though I have meds to help me relax at night, this was not enough to help the withdrawal, but I stayed with it and just took more meds - don't worry though not enough to do any damage.

Day two (Thursday) up early and again I took it in my stride and ate everything that I was supposed to ( I will put a copy of the diet sheet on here for reference) and thought I had done pretty well again, did have to go to bed early though because I was feeling very low and agitated.  This night was worse than the night before, I thought I was dying, or is that hoping? I was so depressed and agitated it was frightening, again my meds helped out here.

Day three (Friday), up early again - wow this is beginning to become a habit!!! Well the morning was ok and still sticking with the diet! Then after lunchtime I took a turn and was feeling really out of it and shaky, I knew I had to go to sleep.  I went back to bed for a couple of  hours and woke up in time for tea!!!  The evening was a little tough and kept talking about chocolate to Steve, but we kept saying how glad I will be when I see the weight coming off.  Again an early night as not feeling too good, but the night was better than the last, I woke a couple of times, but managed to get back to sleep without the aid of anymore meds.

Day four (Saturday), woke up early again.  Still sticking to the diet.  Having a nice day with Steve, he is painting the living room whilst I am doing this blog, seems fair to me lol!!  Today seems easier than the rest, but I must not rest on my laurals!!!  I have successfully managed another day in paradise lol!!!  Yes its still hard, but I feel I can now put day four to rest.  Fingers crossed for a good nights sleep!!